measi's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Reasoning As a child, I was taught that what separates humans from other animals is our ability to reason. We figure things out. We comprehend, we communicate, and we use logic so solve our problems. At the same time, I was going home and watching Kelim (my Himalayin) flop on his side by a closed door, stick his paw under it, and push and pull on it until the loose locks on the doors opened for him. If he wanted out, he knew how to get there. To my understanding and logic-- that's reasoning. He wants, he figures out how to get. At the age of four, I would look up at the blinking lights on radio towers, and I figured that each time it blinked, it was because someone was turning on or off the radio. Of course, I don't remember why I had that reasoning, or how I got to it. Perhaps it was because Dad's stereo had a red little light for when the stereo was on or off. Perhaps I once saw Mom turn the radio on in the car at the same time the tower blinked. I held that belief until I was probably about nine years old or so. It was extremely embarrassing to learn the truth. When I was eleven, I was asked by two male classmates whether I were a virgin, and because it sounded like a bad word to me, I said no. I reasoned that it was the safe response, and also wouldn't clue the guys into the fact that I didn't know what the word was. When I was in college, I realized about halfway through that I wasn't interested in my major any longer (or in reality, just burnt out), but figured I needed to just stick it out because I'd have to start all over if I transferred. Since my dad had stated that he would only pay for four years of college, I didn't dare stray off my intended path for college. I figured it wouldn't matter one way or the other, anyway-- and just took the classes, rather than do all the internships to be able to possibly get ahead. When I was twenty-six, I figured that I was unloveable due to my experiences with Darren in high school and LGM after college. I figured that my experiences were telling me that I was destined to be by myself for the rest of my life. I was committed to sucking it up and dealing with the isolation. Does sending that letter to my dad deserve to be at the bottom of my list of stupid reasonings of what I should and shouldn't do? 10:32 a.m. - 11 March 2003 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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