measi's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Prompt: Strength Since I�m trying to break out of the mold of always recapping my days, I decided to try writing from one of the journal prompts today. I�m starting with the January first entry, and will see about working through them as I go through the year� maybe skipping some of the prompts that don�t interest me that much (or that I�ve done). What strengths have you developed over your life? Perhaps the strength that I�ve developed, but not noticed until the last couple years, is the ability to simply survive. Even when things look downright impossible, I find a way to muddle through it and endure�albeit sometimes kicking up a hell of a pissy attitude at times. I�ve been told many times that I�m such an emotionally strong person, that I seem to be able to weather everything that comes my way with some semblance of ease or dignity. I have to resist the urge to laugh, because I definitely don�t see myself that way. If anything, I just have an ability to hide what I�m really feeling. Often times I might weather a brief problem well, but it�s only because I�m able to shove the reality aside for a while. When I�m alone, it comes back at me in a wave of emotion, and I handle it much later. An example of this is LGM�s father�s death in early February. After an afternoon of being calm and supportive, trying to get LGM on a plane, I broke down the next day. I couldn�t concentrate on work. I actually wound up tapping a pedestrian with my car (thankfully she was okay). Things were not good. But somehow, I manage to get through things. It might come back and kick me in the ass days, weeks, months, or in a couple cases, years later. But I can get through the crisis point and work it out on my own later. In my letter to my father, I discussed dealing with my parents� divorce. I think that�s really the event that taught me how to survive and handle things as an individual. My parents were too messed up with their own emotions. My brother was still in elementary school�and we didn�t exactly get along. My friends were supportive, but couldn�t relate since I was the first of my friends to have divorcing parents. I was on my own. But as I explained to my dad in my letter to him�the first couple years were a bit tough, but after that, it was absolutely no big deal. I survived easily by translating the problem to my age group level. My parents� divorce had the same effect on me as my friends� breakups with their boyfriends. The young teenager in me simply translated it down to those terms. If anything, I saw it as more calm and simple than the dramatic soap opera that was junior high love life. My parents were communicating with each other somewhat. For the first few years, at least, there were no sides for my brother and I to feel put in. None of the bullshit �I can�t talk to you because you�re my ex�s friend�� crap. Of course, my parents� divorce was not that simple�a lot of the issues were simply too grown up for me to grasp correctly. And as a teenager, my friends were more important than my family most of the time anyway. But from my point of view, it never seemed like that much of a deal. My parents to this day don�t believe I�ve dealt with the divorce. Apparently I�m supposed to go through some sort of trauma or something. They�re going to be waiting more than my lifetime to see something like that happened. I dealt with portions of it as it happened. But beside a few casual wishes that my parents would get together, I wasn�t concerned. I just got pissed off because whenever I was at my mom�s, something really cool happened with my friends at home. I felt like I was missing out on a lot of hangout time with the band group. Another strength I�ve developed is the ability to see the larger picture when there is an issue. This is both a good and bad thing, however. I tend to see the big picture while neglecting to pay attention to how I�ll be affected personally. Or I won�t really take into consideration the short-term effects. I get what needs to happen. I know what needs to be done to move forward. But I don�t always know what the first step is to get things headed in the right direction. Case in point�issues with LGM as we were dating. I knew about nine months into the pseudo-relationship that I needed to cut my ties with him to get a grip on myself. But I was too afraid and too confused to figure out what I really needed to do in order to get to that point. I knew what had to happen. I just wasn�t sure about how to get there. Did I move out of the apartment? Did I cut all ties with him completely? Did I drop all of the friends, who really didn�t like me that much but provided me with the really only social interaction I had since Ivanna had moved away? What did I need to do first? The reality was that we wound up having to move out of the apartment anyway a couple summers later. We moved into our own places, and even though sexual relations kept up well into me moving into The Beast, it was the first step. It became easier because I was removed from everything. Once all of the issues came to a head with Grace, I had no problems cutting the ties because by that point, I had the strength of other friends behind me. Weaknesses? We�ll leave those to another day. I need to bask in a bit of self-appreciating ego for a bit� :) 2:57 p.m. - 12 March 2003 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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