measi's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Holiday parties Today's our company holiday party. Unlike a lot of them, ours starts at noon and runs through the afternoon. It's a rather nice affair-- buffet lunch at a hotel nearby with yummy food, entirely too good but completely unhealthy deserts, and two charity events to keep our minds in the spirit of the season-- a silent auction where all of the proceeds will be divided between the two charities we chose as a company (I think Rosie's Place-- a battered women's shelter, and the Greater Boston Food Bank this year), and a 50/50 raffle (again, half will go to charity). It is a cozy little affair, slightly dressy, and one that I both enjoy and hate at the same time. I do enjoy the feeling of being included in these kinds of things. In so many ways, I still feel like the little kid watching the adults from behind my cubicle walls. There's a little flutter of excitement to be getting dressed up to hang out with the grownups. It takes me a bit to remind myself that I'm one of them now. Unlike the last two years, I'm not the baby of the department. We have two 23 year olds who work here now. But for some reason, I still see myself as a child in these functions, always awkward, always feeling like I'm going to knock something over or say something out of line that children say out of cluelessness. That kicks my social anxiety into gear, and I spend the better part of the morning trying to convince myself that I *should* go, and that I shouldn't give in to my inner fears of being in a large group of people. Unfortunately, the mental gymnastics usually leave me exhausted before I even get there. But somehow I find the thing inside of me that allows me to put up the face of being comfortable at these events. By four, it will all be over, and I'll head into Boston to pick up Erich for shopping and tree-searching to continue the holiday theme for the day. As I got dressed this morning, I realized that just wearing a slightly dressier skirt, top, and (goddess help me) nylons didn't exactly make me look more together. I needed to be more girly than I usually am. Out came the dusty box of jewelry, to find three specific things: the earrings and bracelet that my Grandmother Mary gave me. I felt the need to have Grandma close to me today. She went through another round of chemo three days ago, and today will be the day that she feels the after effects of it. Wearing them gives me a little mental connection to her all day, allowing me to send her a bit of healing energy without having to constantly think about it. I don't wear these pieces very often-- more out of the fear of losing them than anything else. They're all pieces of Ukranian amber that she brought over with her during two separate trips to eastern Europe to visit family. The bracelet is comprised of ten round "stones" of orange-brown amber (as opposed to the more yellowed color found more commonly today) about a quarter inch wide in diameter, framed with silver rings, and linked together to form a chain-like bracelet. The clasp is so delicate that my grandmother put a safety chain on it many years ago. She gave it to me about four years ago. She gave me a matching set of tear-dropped shaped earring pendants when I was down in Pennsylvania in September. Somehow, even though the pieces were bought about fifteen years apart, she managed to match the ambers perfectly. Other than a string of pearls that are currently in my father's safe deposit box, they're the most expensive pieces of jewelry I own. And I treasure them more than the pearls (which I've seen only twice), since they *were* my grandmother's. They're keeping me grounded-- allowing me to be mindful about what this season is really about: family and community. I guess in a way, that's what this holiday party is about, too. ~ Mel. 9:47 a.m. - 13 December 2002 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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