measi's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Feeling a bit better... BUT I should have known better to trust my instincts about a month ago when I got the inkling of Grace reborn. I've realized there are some people in this world who enjoy being miserable. It's hard to fathom to me, but it's true. Some people need something to complain about and to be a victim constantly, with no interest in ever really changing the situation. And they get attention from people who have generous hearts and open arms, trying to cheer the person up. But after a while, the excuses and lack of attempting to help onesself clues the emotional supporters in that things may not be quite as they seem. This usually happens as the emotional supporter slowly gets drained of energy by the "victim," until one event happens where the supporter finally has to say "Give me a fucking break and shit or get off the pot, for crissake." Then the emotional supporter gets cast as the bad person and is ostracized into a category of Friends Who Have Abandoned "the Victim." The supporter becomes one of Them. The people who left. It's easy to blame the people who "left" to the new faces who are clueless to past events and willing to lend emotional support. After all-- eventually they are expendable as well. Just like it is to blame possible employers, doctors, friends, family, and anyone else who doesn't simply coddle. Those who don't do the constant "there, there... *pat* *pat* *pat*" become the evil people in "the victim's" mind. People who "prevent" the victim from getting to where they need to be, when in reality, the victim is simply demonizing them to maintain the status quo of misery. As Tan has said to me, there are a lot of Grace-like people in the world. And I'm ashamed for having gotten sucked in yet again. I got drained. And then today I got burned. I had an idea about it about a month ago, but shoved it aside because I was afraid it was past experiences coming back to haunt me. Yet here I am, emotionally drained, and not sure whether to be angry or feel pity. After my pissed off rant, I heard from others who said "yeah, I caught onto that a while ago, too." She's someone who needs to be a victim. She doesn't intend to change-- because it's easier to get attention when she's the victim, rather than make an effort to better her situation. And of course, she won't take any responsibility for her actions in this. Everything will be my fault, because I "just don't understand what she's going through" and blah blah blah. She'll trash talk me and call me names (I'm sure the phrase "cunt" will come up, since it seems to be a favorite of hers) because it will allow her to convince herself that I'm the only one with the problem. She'll claim that I'm making unfounded assumptions because I don't know all the facts, and blame me for trying to make a judgement on her life. I can only call it based on the things I see. And when it's being directed at me personally, damn straight I'm going to make a call. To admit responsibility for her own behavior would be to admit that she's trying to play the victim, and that her lack of change in her life is due to one of two things: Either apathy or an enjoyment of being miserable. My response to the bullshit? Go ahead and trash talk me all you want. Have a party. Because you're the only one who'll be there. Eventually I hope you'll be honest with yourself, get your shit in gear, and get your life together. Because ultimately, that's what I have hoped all along. Guess what? We all go through shitty times in our lives. And a little bit of self-pity and whining is fine, but not when it drags on for months with no progress or even a hint of DESIRE to progress, it's just pathetic. I HAVE been at the bottom of that barrel. I've sunk just about as low as you can go, literally sitting in the kitchen at the age of 23 with my back against the wall and a knife to my wrist, debating which way to cut. I didn't, though. I got a huge dose of reality, and started fighting. She wants to seep in self-pity and misery with the "woe is me" act? Go right ahead. But I don't deserve to have my ass ripped apart when I don't go along with it. I know she can do better, if she only would get her ass in gear, stop bitching about life, and get moving. I'm glad to be have woken up to the real circumstances of the situation. Because I realize that she never really considered me a friend. I was her victim-- one that she could suck emotional support out of for a while. I feel used and I feel like I was a complete idiot for ever helping her out. But I'm damn glad I finally came to the realization and can step away. I'd be interested to see what some of the other "Abandoning Friends" would say, too. Somehow I have a feeling that quite a few of them have been in a similar situation. ~ Mel. 7:25 p.m. - 25 November 2002 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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