measi's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Daddy's Little Rich Girl When I was in fifth grade, I became aware that I was one of the kids who had a lot more than other kids. My dad could afford things. He was a successful OB/GYN, worked his ass off (I never really saw him, other than family vacations, until my parents separated). I lived in a large house, had nice clothes, and received lots of presents at Christmas. We had a pool and a hot tub in the backyard, and the backyard itself was unique in Billings because of all of the landscaping (not yet a common thing with most homes out there). Before fifth grade, I'd been completely oblivious to the difference in wealth with families. And I realized how oblivious I'd been, and wondered how much less some of my classmates felt about me because with that oblivion, I wondered if any actions I took could have been seen as flaunting. Over the rest of the years of elementary and secondary school, I was acutely aware of the difference in how well-off my family was compared to many of my classmates. While Poly Drive Elementary had a fairly decent number of kids from higher middle class homes, that percentage dropped at Lewis & Clark Junior High. It dropped much further at Senior High. With this dropping percentage of "rich kids" in the schools, my desire to not stand out grew. Although my mom would take me shopping for school clothes in Nordstroms in San Francisco, I rarely wore the clothes because I didn't want the attention. Jeans and t-shirts were my staples... with keds (no laces, of course). I didn't wear makeup, or jewelry. I didn't dress up unless I absolutely had to. My hair was thrown back in a ponytail. That awareness became habit, and I find myself constantly slipping back to it even now, nine years after I left home. The awareness is a feeling of shame that I was raised so well-off. A feeling of embarrassment. Questioning how I should act at any moment out of paranoia that I might be perceived as flaunting wealth. It doesn't help that on the occasions that I've talked finances with my mom, she tells me that I should just ask my dad for help because "he can afford it." She waves my protests and worries off like they're stupid, superficial arguments. Are they really? Granted, now I'm not wealthy on my own, but on the occasions that family members help me out, they help in major ways. Even Erich has made exclamations about the family generosity on my mom's side of the family. I don't ask them very often, and often times I need to be pressured to even ask for help. I don't want to be perceived as the good-for-nothing kid who lives off her daddy's money, ungrateful and good-for-nothing. Daddy's Little Rich Girl. I can just hear it now. Well, the hauntings of Daddy's Little Rich Girl are coming up to bite me in the ass again. Thanks to my mom. *groan* The issue on the table right now is the purchasing of my first car. I've never owned one. In high school I drove my dad's RX-7 (which by that time was about 10 years old-- he had an '81). In California I drove my mom's Acura (which is an amusing family coincidence story all its own... three family members, two being my parents, separated by at least 1000 miles each, and they had the same damn car, same color. It was really creepy). Then when she moved to Pennsylvania, I drove her Jeep when I'd be visiting her. Until I got the job at Prentice Hall in 2000, there was never really a need for me to have a car. I took the T to work. Then last summer [erich] started a carpooling system with me where he'd drive into Boston for work, pick me up, and I'd drive his car out to work for the day since I can park for free. Great for my commute. Hard on the car-- it's racking about 100 miles per day. My brother got the RX-7 as a high school/going off to college gift. When the RX-7 began to die, he "bought" my dad's Acura Legend. What the actual cost deal of that is, I have no clue. These two car transactions both happened before Scott was 22. A good dose of "Scott... the fuckup who went and got himself arrested... gets every fucking thing he wants and is a spoiled brat" attitude came into play on my part, although I didn't say as much to my parents. So now the eldest child (that would be me) is looking for her first car at 27, since she's moving in six weeks to an area of Massachusetts where T travel is no longer the primary (or in my case for commuting secondary) option. I need to get one to get around. I can't keep battering Erich for his. The poor thing has nearly 85,000 miles on it, and the wear and tear is starting to show up in leaps and bounds. Back in April, my mom started talking with me about helping me get a car. There was a debate of a family hand-me-down, such as my aunt Vicky's older Acura, which was still in good condition, but was too small for them now that they had three kiddos (all under age 6, and under PA law they all need to be in car seats). But they wanted $8,000 for it, which was obnoxiously high for the mileage. Then there was a debate that maybe my mom would give me her Jeep-- a '95 Grand Cherokee. The mileage is up there again (I think she's around 120,000 or so), but it's in great shape. She debated and kept wavering on it before she decided that no, she would keep the Jeep and just help me get a car. My grandfather got into the mix last month, offering to help out my mom so some more money could go into this car off the bat. They started talking about giving $5,000 each (which blew me away). Around this same time, I asked my dad for a loan to help put the money down on the new apartment since we wanted to get the leases signed ASAP, and the earliest I'd have the money available would be the end of July. He agreed, and asked me if I wanted to pay him back, or put that money ($1,150) toward a car. I told him that I'd pay him back, because I didn't know what the situation was with the car at the time. No problem. Mom last week tells me that she thinks that she, my grandfather, and my dad should do an even split of around $5,000 each to buy me a car. Outright buy something. That way I can get a nicer car and something more reliable. I was not complaining about this. I was psyched. Lots less headache for me... a good dose of spoiling, in fact. A bit of the embarrassment comes into play again. But I'm psyched that they are willing to help me so freely. At the same time, though, I remember my dad's conversation with me about the rent loan. And from past experience with my dad, he might have the money, but he's also rather stingy with it. And tends to hold strings over people's heads. Which is exactly why I don't ask him for money. I don't like the strings-attached stuff that he holds for literally years when he either lends money (even after it's paid off) or gives money. It can be as pressuring as credit card calls sometimes. I call my mom last night to talk to her, as I do every week. And she mentions that grandpa has made a stand that unless my dad does an even split, he's not going to give any money towards the car because he feels my dad should be helping out. Granted, I think this is more from my mom than my grandpa. And I can respect the opinion, but the problem becomes that I am the only one who is to be discussing this with my dad. Despite the fact that my dad still lives at the same address he's had since I was six months old, and I'm well-aware that both my grandfather and my mother have the phone number, I am the only one who is going to be talking to my dad about this. How wonderful that my mother has decided to throw me back into the role of child between divorced parents. She's full of shit if she claims that she never makes me be the messenger girl. Of course, my mom won't hear any of my discomfort on the issue, nor on my opinion that my father is NOT going to be giving more than the $1,150 (maybe going up to $2,000) that he offered me before. Doesn't matter. It also doesn't matter that when I talk to my dad, I rarely hear from him until three or four weeks after I leave an answering machine message. Sometimes longer. My dad is horrific about returning calls. So now I'm in this wonderful rut, wondering if I should just start saving up the money myself, and why the fuck they couldn't have just told me this in the beginning so I'd have the money to get a car on my own. I'm confident that my dad will not be cool with this $5,000 plan, particularly because it's coming from my mother. My dad's ex-wife. This is not going to be received well. So this is the letter I emailed to my dad last night:
I've put an envelope into the mail with two checks to pay you back for the rent loan. �We signed the leases and put the money down on Saturday (I'm SO glad to have that over and done with). �The lease starts Sept. 1st, but we might be able to move in a bit early... will hear by mid-August on that. On the car front... I'm starting to get the creeping feeling on the back of my neck of getting stuck in the middle as the child of divorced parents here... and a bit worried about potential confrontations. �Grandpa has made a stand that he feels that he, mom, and you should do a three-way even split in helping on a car. �He and mom are thinking around $5,000.00 each. �I hate asking people for money (it makes me feel like I'm failing in being able to support myself), so that amount really makes me wince because it is a LOT of money. My personal stance is that I'm appreciative of ANY help I can get to buy a car, since reality is showing me that I'm definitely going to need one-- the two people that I knew living in or around Randolph are moving in August to buy houses in other communities (they're moving west of I-495, where houses are a bit cheaper, but the commute's getting vicious) rather than rent. �I don't want to cause a fuss about amounts that people can help me with, because I'm simply happy to get the help and I feel that making any sort of a fuss makes me look like I'm not grateful for the help. � In any case, I do need to talk to you about this as soon as possible so I can start preparing for what money I need to get together on my end for a car-- both in purchasing and car insurance. �That way I can start budgeting what I have to contribute toward things like couches that Erich and I don't have yet for the new place. I have begun doing some car research-- I have Erich's father's copy of the Consumer Reports 2002 car issue and have been doing some looking there, particularly focusing on the crash testing ratings and the reliability. �I do want to talk to you about some recommendations you have about looking for a car and what other things (other than obviously, price) that I need to consider. I'm home tonight and should be up until nearly midnight. �Won't be home tomorrow, but then will be home (I think) the rest of the week during the evenings. Hope to hear from you... Love, M Fuck it. And I wonder why I don't ask for help very often... because these headaches are another reason. I hear the horrific taunting of "Daddy's Little Rich Girl" floating on the breeze. *sigh* --Mel. 4:10 p.m. - 17 July 2002 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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