measi's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How does my sexuality click? So how the heck did I get in the top ten at Clix?. That's what I want to know. It's ego boosting... but confusing the heck out of me. Hell... I don't even have good, juicy sexual entries in my journal like so many of the top ones do. Call me a prude, but I guess my sexual relationship with [erich] is something that I tend to keep privately (for the most part) between he and I. Granted, I've talked over some things with Tan from time to time, particularly when I'd had a bit too much of the frozen 'ritas ingested into me to loosen the tongue... but sex for me is a personal thing, one of those intimate pleasures to be enjoyed by only my partner and myself. Don't get me wrong... I like sex. Hell, I love it. And I think I caught Erich a bit off-guard with my openness towards things once we finally got over the hurdle of my feeling comfortable having sex. That's my problem-- it's not that I don't like it. It's the shyness that I have to overcome with someone new. I'm fiercely monogamous-- while sure, the inner curiosity about kinkiness and multiple partners comes up as a fantasy once in a while, I know that I would never act upon it. It's just not me. (plus, to be honest, I think the fantasy would be destroyed if I actually acted upon it, so I kinda like to keep the fantasy). Still, I wonder... why am I not more open about sex in my journal? Sex is a natural act. I have no problem with it. I don't have any shameful feeings about it. I see it as a wonderful act of intimate trust between two people involved together. I'm sure if I were less monogamous, I'd probably have a looser view of what sex is between two people. I go into the BSDM shops in Boston, and they don't bother me at all. I'm fascinated by some of the things, in fact. I know I'll never try the majority of them, but I'm curious as an outsider on the "scene." I've had sex for just sex. LGM and I did that. It didn't work for me. In fact, I ripped myself apart over having sex for just sex. But why? If it's a natural act, why did I feel shame when it happened between LGM and me? I usually blame such prudish, shameful behavior on my upbringing. Not specifically from my parents, who weren't exactly prudish themselves. But from the environment. It was a conservative town, where the more vocal Catholic and Mormon majorities instilled a "chaste" opinion on things. I guess it just influenced me somewhere during my childhood to be chaste and discreet about sexuality. The attitude that high school boys who were having sex were cool, but girls who did were sluts was a huge part of my high school life. And I had the Mormon boyfriend. Who was chaste to a point, and then went overboard the other end once he and I started fooling around. *shrug* I truly think that some of those influences, both with Darren and with school, just sunk in a bit too deeply. So no, I won't go overboard about steamy relationships with Erich, nor with any of my past relationships, which aren't numerous, but were long-lasting. So again, I wonder...how the heck did I get in the top ten at Clix?. 11:11 a.m. - 17 May 2002 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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