measi's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Personal convictions This entry has had me thinking for the majority of the weekend. When I first read it, I had tears in my eyes-- partially because of the deep inner emotion Hoolie expressed in the entry, and partially out of jealousy that I am not so strongly connected to my own path. Am I Pagan? Most definitely. I know this. The connection to the earth and living my life by the seasons is part of my genetic makeup. I've know this my entire life. The world is where the Gods are at, not through a book written by men who often didn't even meet the people they wrote about. But where I know that Paganism is my correct path, and that it's the foundation of my life, it is still a distant thing for me. Every once in a while, it surges up to the fore, and becomes the most important thing in my life. But most of the time, it's on the backburner. I rarely do ritual, and I rarely do much more than mark the Sabbats these days anywhere but in my journal. I haven't cracked open my Book of Shadows since perhaps January, when I first discovered that scented oil had spilled over the back cover. Perhaps faith is just taking a rest at the moment in my life. I don't know. I don't doubt that a lot of the apathy is because I never experience what others have in ritual. Friends who have done ritual with me describe how they see or feel the shell of protective energy as I cast the sacred circle. I've never felt this. I don't doubt they do, nor that I'm able to cast such energies. I'd just like to have the experience myself sometime. Maybe it's just a nasty case of "the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence." I want to experience everything, and envy others who can talk about them, where I can't. Sometimes the words I speak about my own faith seem so hollow to me, as if I'm starting to recite from rote. I don't want that. And when I do that, it worries me. Religious faith is something I interpret as a deeply important, intimate part of an individual. Maybe it's just because I see people who have such strong convictions, and I envy that. *sigh* 1:07 p.m. - 6 May 2002 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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