measi's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Delving within Amid the insanity of work, my brain has continued to churn on the spiritual confusion I seem to be in these days. Not exactly a good thing to be thinking about when I'm getting screamed at by the damned art buyers about contracts for illustrators. But like a typical obsessed, stubborn Capricorn, my little "problem-churner" in my brain ignored the pleas by the practical side, and continued to work away, forcing my mind to wander from my work today. *le sigh* First, let me preface that yesterday's paranoia was written in what was revealed to be the height of PMS... I tend to get overly worried right before my period. And that oh-so-wonderful event began this evening. So now I can obsess over the issue of my spirituality with a bit less hormones, and a whole lot more Aleve running through my system. Sounds fun, eh? I guess Tan's right-- maybe I'm just prepping for a growth spurt spiritually. Maybe I'm just in that awkward pre-teen stage of it already. After all, next year will be marking a decade since I started following a Pagan path with any sort of committment and knowledge. I can hardly believe it's been nearly ten years now. So perhaps I am just at that stage of "okay...NOW where?!?" with my faith. Questioning and doubting is part of my inner nature. I constantly question. Sometimes it's a good thing, keeping me honest and true about my beliefs. But sometimes it rattles me a bit too much, and makes me doubt everything. I know that for a while now, I've been migrating away from Wicca and more into that undefined "Non-Denominational Pagan" category. I've felt that Wicca was becoming more and more about organized rituals and too much emphasis on spellwork. That's just not me. While I don't mind writing rituals-- I actually enjoy them-- I don't want to be confined by them. And don't even get me started on spellwork. I could give you a rant about how overinflated that "oooh... look... it's MAGIC(K)!" crap is. I think part of it is, though, that I *am* a Pagan. I don't want to be defined by a denomination. Hell, if I need to be definited, call it Measiism. It's just my way of spirituality, and no one else's. No real organized rituals. No expectations that THIS is the way things have to be done, and THAT is just not Wicca, so why am I bothering to do that. I don't do full watchtower corners, even when I do a formal ritual. And it seems to take more time to build up and take down the ritual circle than it does to do anything inside of it. What work does a solitary have to do? I already do Reiki healing apart from spiritual practice. I wouldn't want to do Reiki on myself with any candles burning in case I fell asleep. Fizzylactus would go knocking them over and end up burning my apartment down. Speaking of Reiki, I think that is part of what set it off, too. I've joined a Reiki discussion list online, and so many people were talking about how when they received Reiki II or III, they saw these glorious purple ribbons of light, saw images, or heard words being spoken inside their heads. They had these incredibly vivid experiences. And I'm jealous. Plain and simple. Fucking jealous. I know that everyone has different experiences with Reiki. I know people like LGM are so affected by it that they can be put to sleep within seconds. Even when someone else touches me, I don't feel anything. It frustrates me. *sigh* The more I read this entry, the more I'm convinced I'm in my pre-teenage spiritual years. I'm whining like a damn junior high school student. Cripes.... 11:37 p.m. - 7 May 2002 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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