So perhaps my lack of silence today is a bit insensitive, but I thought the most fitting way to take note of what happened six months ago is to note it happened by doing as much as I possibly can that is my everyday life.

It's the polite way of giving the middle finger to terrorists, IMHO. My life goes on. Sometimes with a bit more sadness, but with more resolve, and a bit more opinion on the world at large.

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It has been a reflective weekend for me. Very busy getting stuff into storage and such, gaming, etc. But on Saturday, the weather was absolutely beautiful-- bright blue skies, high 60's (and maybe a 70 or so?), and just wonderful. While I was driving back and forth to the storage place, I had the windows rolled down and the stereo up, my hair back in low plaits to keep it out of the way while I got stuff done. The weather made me feel young, feel alive, and feel happy. Springtime around the corner. Ahhh yes!

Of course, yesterday my fatigue hit me like a ton of bricks, and I was grumpy and feeling like crap all day. Gotta love the balance of the coin this time of year. *sigh* But during my grumpiness, I did do a lot of reflection-- mostly on my grandparents.

Both of my grandparents on my mother's side celebrate their birthdays this week. My grandmother will be 79, my grandfather 78. Next month, my surviving grandmother on my father's side will turn 83.

I wonder if next year, I'll be celebrating any of them with them.

Both of my grandmothers have cancer. I found this out about both of them in the past week. Neither hit me that hard right away, but I think it was growing in the back of my mind.

I knew Grandma Mary (mom's side) most likely had cancer again. She survived ovarian cancer three years ago somehow, but it's such a nasty form of cancer that usually is caught far too late (and she was in a higher stage when it was found). Sometime around Thanksgiving, Mom mentioned she was having trouble again, and they were wondering what was going on. Tests found that she now has bladder cancer, and they're seeing if it has spread elsewhere.

Will I see her next year?

Grandma Lillian (dad's side) was a surprise, but I've never been close to her because of how she acted toward me as a child. I've always felt she looked down on Scott and me because we were the adopted kids, not of "real" Kent heritage. And experiences that I won't go into here led me to dislike the woman, but respect her simply because she's the matriarch of the Kent family. She has what my father is calling a "milder" growth, but regardless, it's cancer, she's going through radiation, and she's nearing her mid-80's.

Again, will I see her next year? Even though we're not close, and I'm not sure I want to be fake and attempt to make amends simply for the sake of making them?

I think my anger about the whole situation is focused purely on my father, who simply dropped me an email this week to inform me about Grandmother Lillian's condition, and how she was a bit over a month into treatment. Why the hell didn't he contact me earlier?

I love my father, but regardless of my relationship with my grandmother, this was just bullshit. Considering that I just talked to him on the phone in the last couple of weeks. He couldn't tell me then?

*sigh*

Anyway... my debates about Easter are solidified-- I'm going to Pennsylvania. And I might arrange with my mom to do a side trip down to Birdsboro to see Grandma Lillian sometime during the weekend.

--Mel.

12:07 p.m. - 11 March 2002

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