measi's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- and twelve hours later... How is one supposed to comprehend such horror as what happened today? How is one supposed to feel? I just feel... empty. Numb. It's emotional shock. And I suddenly understand how my grandmother must have felt in December 1941. I remember when Challenger exploded. I remember exactly where I was, what I was looking at, when I heard the news. Even at age 11, I understood the horrors of what had happened, and had to fight tears as we had a moment of silence in a huddle on the playground. I remember when the Loma Prieta earthquake happened in 1989. I was at play practice for Alice in Wonderland. I came home to find the news, and immediately feared for my mother who was living in Danville, a small down on the eastern side of the Oakland hills at the time. It took me hours to get a hold of her. It was my first understanding of what finality of life meant. I was 14. I'm now 26. Where the Challenger distaster was a horrible accident (evidence of NASA stupidity aside that has come out since then), and the earthquake was a natural disaster... this just seems surreal. I've now had three events of my life that mark the question "Where were you when XXX happened?" I remember asking my father that about JFK's assasination. I never thought I'd have so many moments in my own life like that. Where was I today? I was on a shuttle bus, going through Newton Upper Falls, heading to work, having a conversation with a co-worker about how he'd been able to solve problems with our multimedia publications. The bus driver turned on the radio, and through the feedback from the huge radio towers above us, we heard talk about explosions in the World Trade Center. I thought they were doing an NPR discussion on what happened eight years ago, not four minutes before the radio was turned on. But how am I supposed to feel? Should I feel fear? Should I cry? Should I be angry? I've heard people laughing today... laughing because it hurts too much to cry. Laughing in hopes that it will take the pain away. But I can't laugh. Am I not hurting enough? I've talked to LGM a few times today, and I hope he'll forgive me for posting his letter to his friends today, but it's haunting first-hand knowledge of what happened in New York today. And I'm going to see if I can do some sort of grounding ritual tonight before I resort to some vodka to force me to sleep. -Mel. Most of you have been in contact with me in one form or another today, so I wanted to touch base with you all and let you know what's going on here from my end of things. Physically, I'm okay. I was on Staten Island when the planes hit. I woke to a call from my biological mother. She works at on of the buildings that makes up the WTC complex. Thankfully, she doesn't work in one of the towers anymore. She is shaken and covered in a lot of dirt and debris, but is ok. The rest of my family in the area is okay from what I know. As for the mood, well... let's just say that a wonderful combination of shock and fury is already beginning to boil here in the area. If you've ever wondered what makes reasonable people say ignorant things and act like zealots and fools, this is it. And as much as I fear for what types of reactionary behavior (ranging from robberies here in the city to 'upstanding Americans' taking care of any foriegners they might see. ) Went outside and drove to a vantage point on SI that you can see all of Mahattan. It looks like the aftermath of Independence Day. You can't see a lot thanks to the clouds of smoke, but what you can see is disheartening. I don't know how bad things are in Penn or DC, where the other planes hit, but here... its awful. No one should ever have to see anything like this. I don't claim to be a religious man, but may the heavens have mercy on us all. The horizon I see outside my house is that of both the aftermath of terror and harbringer of war. J. C. F. Sept. 11, 2001 9:52 p.m. - 11 September 2001 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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