measi's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- am I really that bad? Well, I guess the conversation with LGM didn't go quite as badly as it could have. I don't think he accepts any of the responsibility for how he acts, though. He kept telling me that it's all a problem of how I perceive things, and since I'm the only one who sees it a certain way, therefore I must be the one wrong. That all of my problems are completely overreactions to things, and that if I changed my attitude, there wouldn't be problems. I've been the only one to perceive things and been right, too. Sometimes I'm the only one who perceives something a certain way because I'm the only one he treats in a certain obnoxious way. His delivery and tone do make an impact. He accuses me of wanting to be "special" in his circle of friends, but I honestly don't. I just want to feel like I'm on par with everyone else. And while maybe some of his friends can handle jokes that are completely deadpan, by nature I don't get them... especially from him, who is NOT joking about half the time. He always throws in my face that I should know him by now and accept the way he is, but when will he start accepting me? I have to deal with his shortcomings, but he won't deal with mine. It's all about me changing the way I act. It's all about invalidating my feelings so he doesn't have to accept that maybe he is wrong from time to time. Because unless the rest of the Boston crew is lying to me, a lot of people have just given up with LGM's attitude that he's always right and that it's everyone else's problem and are lying to him because they know telling him the truth is a waste of breath. Maybe that's just something I need to start accepting, too. Let's get this straight now--LGM is NOT someone I want to date. When he's in a relationship, he's not honest with himself, with the girl he's dating, and most certainly not with his friends around him. I was in a hellish three-month ordeal with him five years ago. He has a lot of issues he needs to get through, but keeps avoiding them by going from girl to girl to girl. I was just one of the convenient side projects he had for a while as far as dating went. *sigh* I realize I have problems with my interactions with people. I'm terrified of dealing with people in groups of more than, well, two. I get sick to my stomach, and have to do everything in my power to stay in the groups instead of running away to get a breath of fresh air and calm the shaking that often keeps me hiding my hands so no one can see. I am downright afraid of people. I know that unless some miracle comes around, I will be alone my entire life. Sure, I get the "you have such a pretty face" comment and the "you're so good to me" comments from everyone. I've had four guys say "if I wasn't involved with XXX, I'd do you." Gee. Thanks. I'm fuckable. Gosh, that makes me feel so good about myself. But at the same time, I seem to have the stigma as Not Relationship Material. I'll make the call this evening to our company counselor crisis service. I guess it's the only way at this point, because I don't think I'm that bad. Maybe I am and just need help. Fuck. 10:37 a.m. - 5 April 2001 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||