measi's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- another chapter of the soap opera So it's just about 3:20, and I've been so inefficient today that I'm kicking myself. I just can't get into gear. LGM called me... an hour ago, maybe? To tell me about his childhood friends in Florida. One he's lost track of, the other he hasn't talked to by choice. The latter I was fairly disgusted with from the first time I met him, since the guy was just an asshole the first time I met him. I asked LGM if he received my email from earlier today about calling me tonight (fucking AT&T). He said he hadn't, but his email's been all screwed up today. So I told him that I feel that in light of the events this weekend and our conversation yesterday on the phone, he and I needed to have a little talk. And what does he ask about... the damn game. "are you playing this weekend?" Nothing as far as the friendship between him and I, but concern over the fucking game. Is a Dungeons and Dragons character all I am to him anymore? If it is, I'm honestly not surprised. With very few exceptions, the only time I see him at length is when we're at gaming sessions. Perhaps that's all he sees in me anymore... a character replacing who I am, and since my characters are figments of the imagination, able to be hurt and abused without repercussions, I am now, too. He says he cares, and every once in a while, I see a glimmer of the friend who genuinely does show it. But most of the time, he's pulling one of his deadpan "jokes" which in reality feel so mean-spirited and are so difficult to read his true intentions that they automatically put me on the defensive. I hate it, and with all of the times he says "well, Melissa, you should know me well enough by now to know..." Well... I DON'T, because he keeps changing the fucking rules on me, and so as always, I never know where I stand with him, and when the shoe's going to drop again, and I'm constantly afraid of him. And since our talks in February to patch this friendship up and sweep a lot of the shit clean, I've seen a lot of inspiration to improve things, but no attempts to make those inspirations a reality. Lots of talk, no walk, in other words. Honestly? I feel like he still wants to control every part of our friendship, and because of my fear and my weaknesses, I'm letting him. And I hate that about both of us. In any case, he said that he'd "try to find the time after he gets home from the gym tonight" to call me, and then gets uppidy about me not having long-distance service. (this after I paid a thirty five dollar charge from the inital two-hour patch-up conversation he and I had in early February. I think he, who makes significantly more money than me and doesn't pay rent, can pay for this call, which should last no more than a half-hour). You'd think that we were still dating with all of this crap, wouldn't you? *sigh* Sometimes I wonder if I should just say fuck it and end all communication with him. Except that I know I'm too fucking weak to. Damn I hate myself sometimes. 3:23 p.m. - 4 April 2001 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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