measi's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Closing down the year... My customary end-of-religious-year Samhain entry needed to be moved to the end of the calendar year this time around... because while I had a strong annoyance just after Samhain in 2002, it was the events of 2003 that I needed to focus on for this year's closure. And honestly, I had this little glimmer of hope that I'd be able to close it off on a more positive note. But no, not this year. Quite frankly, 2003 can kiss my ass goodbye. Anyone who knows me is well aware of how shitty a year this was for me-- many have acknowledged my unspoken joy that this year is almost over. A good chunk of 2003 is a blur, muddled together as I just somewhat hung on for the ride, and hoped I'd find myself on the other side more or less unscathed. I'm a bit scathed-- I'm a bit more cynical, a bit angrier, a bit more sarcastic, a bit more sensitive to things I take as slights. But with some noticeable tender spots caused by wounds opened this year, I'm doing okay. I think. I hope. So as I have done before... I'll close down the year... starting with Samhain of 2002, since I shouldn't leave out those two months, which set such a tone for everything else. November 2002: Fifth anniversaries of painful decisions, the irony of a particular entry, experiencing NaNoWriMo for the first time... November was a month of transition, that I couldn't recognize at the time. November 13th~ ...But it made me think-- I've really changed in the past two years. LGM commented on that back in September as we drove down to New York-- how he was glad to see that I'd found a way to pull myself together. At the time, I had to fight an instinctive laugh-- had I really? I guess in many ways, I have. Like everyone else, I still have things that need fixing. Some things need a whole lot of fixing. But I'm getting there. The results of some of the work is evident, and I'm feeling better. I guess I just want to enjoy resting my head for a while. I can keep striving to improve myself, but I've gotten myself out of the emotional gutter I was in. It has left me weary, though, and I need to rest.... December 2002: To be fair, once I'd come home from Thanksgiving that year, the mood for Christmas was already set in stone... it had a month to simmer, and that definitely wasn't a good way to walk into the firestorm that was Christmas at home. Perhaps, looking back, my attitude was already so shitty that everything was inevitable, but words spoken by my grandmother Lillian over hoagies and coffee the day after Thanksgiving had me positively rattled. I spoke of some of my anger in an entry on December 3rd, but it really didn't capture what was churning through me that entire month. By the time I got home for Christmas, the pot was boiling. On the 27th, it boiled over... December 3rd~ Since she and my dad married in 1999, I've watched my father slowly pull further and further away from my brother and me. Often it takes four weeks or so for him to return a phone call. Yet anytime I talk to him, it seems that Anne is off somewhere seeing one of her kids, etc. Part of it I'm used to. My dad has never been that good about getting back to people. And since I started college, I've felt that Dad detached me out of the house. Much of a "out of sight, out of mind" thing, I assumed. But it's become much more pronounced, particularly in the last year and a half or so. Over the summer, Scott (my brother) sent me an email commenting on how pissed off he was with Anne, and how he felt that Dad was abandoning us.... January 2003: Mercury retrograde. That's all I can say about January. On my birthday, as I do every year, I pulled up my natal chart with the forecast for the upcoming year. I honestly don't have that strong a belief in astrology-- I find it interesting and thought-provoking, and use it as a means of reflection on my life and my choices, but I do not, in any way, think of it as a forecasting method of the year to come. However, there was just something uncanny about this year's chart. I joked about it at the time. I even went into Linda's office melodramatically saying that my yearly chart was calling for a year in Mercury Retrograde, and how I was doomed. But I didn't put a lot of belief into it. Particularly since a few other cards were being put into play regarding my friendship with LGM. It took a very sharp turn by the end of the month, as his father's health quickly declined... January 28th~ It's hard. But despite everything that the two of us have gone through-- either together or in punishing each other, this is one situation where that bullshit just needs to be dropped, and the egos need to be left at the door. His dad's dying. Unless a miracle happens, it's going to happen soon. And he needs the strength of any friends who can provide him with some leaning energy because he's not only losing his dad, but he's going to undoubtedly become the caretaker for his mother and his brother Jimmy... It's a tough road for a mid-twenties guy who really has just been getting his own life together this past year. I don't envy him in the least. I know I'd probably find the strength to get through it like he's doing, but at the same time, I have to wonder if I'd be strong enough to face it. One of my fears is watching my parents die slow deaths due to illness. In a somewhat removed way, my grandmother is dying that way. But there isn't the finality that LGM has. His dad has "end-stage" cancer. It's going to happen. Soon. I still have that chance to watch my grandma die peacefully of old age. I can hope for that... February 2003: LGM's dad died on the 2nd of February. Much of the month was spent trying to be support to him, while also formulating what on earth I was going to do about my own father and the now gaping wound that had opened thanks to the catalysts at Christmastime. As I read through my entires, I did notice a strong spike of thought and inner reflection in those entries-- sometimes very subtle, since I wrote it specifically for myself to remind myself later of what I was going through. Maybe in the hopes that I'd find myself okay at some point, wondering how the hell I dragged myself into such a fiasco... February 26th~ ... By five-fifteen, I had four pages, single-spaced, with only a line space between paragraphs. And it's lucid. I guess I had a lot more thoughts formed than I thought I did, but they just needed to be let out. My mind tends to swirl so much that perhaps I just need to let my fingers do the talking, anyway... March 2003: The letter is sent to my father-- all five pages of it. Via UPS, even. To date, it's never been replied to. And then the other storm, which while having started churning in December, reached full intensity. Thankfully it was over and done with within a month. Ironically, it wasn't just me on this one-- and while I did a lot of discussion within the walls of my apartment, very little of my opinion was expressed outside of my journal, simply because I was emotionally spent from that fucking letter. The question I had to ask myself later-- did I regret losing Tan and JT as friends? I've mulled it over a few times this year, and no, I don't regret it. It was one of those inevitables that had been coming down the pipe, and from feedback I've received, it would have continued to get worse. The only regret I have in the whole situation is that it damaged my friendship with Ade, who got stuck in the crossfire on this. Ade, I'm very sorry. March 21st~ I've lost two friends this week-- mostly because of words that have been said. Threats, side comments, etc. I don't work well with threats. I've been belittled by my dad with these kinds of casual threats for years. The timing on these threats this week were just at the worst possible time-- because now that I've written and sent that letter to my father, I'm not afraid to fight back against anyone who threatens me. In this case-- before I've said a single word to the person who threatened... April 2003: Sushi fetish. How many damn entries in a month can I have mentioning sushi, and how I want to have some?!? Cripes... talk about a refocus of energy so I could shut down for a bit and let myself reboot. *rolls eyes* On the other front, I tried my somewhat doomed attempt to lose weight (I have gained every pound back from this attempt, but am forgiving myself, based on the year's events). While I barely mention it in the entry, Easter weekend was the last time I saw my grandma alive-- and my memories of her come right to this weekend as we go shopping. And I'll confess, I was lying a bit about how I felt about having my journal online. It nearly came down. April 3rd~ Every once in a while, I wonder if it's a good thing that I'm writing here. By no means am I taking my journal down, nor will I start editing my words anymore than I already do at times-- but I have to wonder... is this really the person I want to be identified with? I am honest in here. Sometimes I reserve some of my opinions, knowing who might be reading it, but most of the time I don't pull punches. If I'm pissed, I'm pissed. If I'm happy, I'm happy. And I try like hell to actually get some HAPPY entries in here, even though it's far easier to use a journal to rant. Several situations in life just have me in one of those melancholy states. Cold meds aren't helping, either. I'm not feeling pure depression, but rather just feel... non-committal. Overwhelmed. A bit numb. Way too much to think about and filter through, but too much of an overload at one time. And sometimes, figuring out the medium that I'll be using to actually do the filtering is the first thing I need to do... like I'm doing today. May 2003: A month of travel. Lots and lots of it-- New Hampshire, Maine, and the Cape. I loved it and needed it, and despite fighting against the sadness of my relationship with my dad, I'm thankful Erich and I did the traveling so I could get some semblance of life back into me. I was finding some of my warped humor, but misplaced it into disturbing poems... May 6th~ Oh, my poor broken down Jeep With your bright, gold hubcaps and silver exterior... Your presence is greatly missed Whilst you sit sullenly at the repair shop... June 2003: Honestly, I don't know what to say about June. It was one of those uninteresting months where, after the emotional insanity of the first quarter of the year, and the travel insanity of May... well, nothing really happened. And that's not a bad thing. June 24th~ ... And then in 2001, I started writing here, letting the words start flowing again. At first they were very hesitant. Stupid little entries. Whiny little entries. And little by little, I started to dip more than my big toe back into the world of writing again. I jumped into the pool... writing in my journal, attempting some fanfiction again (that I've never uploaded anywhere!), writing again to penpals, and then attempting NaNoWriMo last autumn. I've found my love of writing again. And oddly enough, I've found that discovering that love of writing gave me a sense of self again. Writing is part of my blood. It sustains me when my thoughts are swirling too hard to do anything else. I can pull the keyboard closer and just let my fingers fly. It helps me to remember things that I enjoy, things I hate, and things later on that I have no clue why I'd really care to remember... July 2003: Again, a month of blissful normalcy. I can't be thankful enough for it. Other than cats killing my computer, which was fixed and immediately forgotten, it was a month of everyday behavior. I had a vacation week, we had a 4th of July fireworks celebration that was so foggy that it was unwatchable... but it was a quiet month. *sigh* However, there was a letter that I addressed from a friend via Diary-X (who seems to have parted ways with me since then), that honestly, I need to reiterate since it still strongly applies... July 16th~ But I wanted to just put the words out there for others who might be feeling the same way and wondering why I'm not responding as much to email these days. Well, it's a lot of reasons, actually. But the primary one is simply due to work... When I get home, I really don't want to be that social at all. I just want to veg and let my mind shut down. It's nothing personal against anyone-- I'm just going through one of my phases of needing some mental space. Work has been putting me into several situations where my anxiety is just not being cooperative with me. Things that have happened this year also have me going inward a bit. Minorly because of the fiasco with JT and Tan, and much more significantly because of things with my father, a good chunk of me has this tempting feeling to run and hide. I'm not allowing myself to do so, but at the same time, things came with such whomping force. I've just been chugging along, waiting for the day I finally break down from all of it, have my good sob session, and can get on with life... August 2003: I miss my grandma. Ja kocham was. Ja chybie wy, babci. That's all I have to say. August 18th~ I broke down when I first saw her body. My brother had to support me for a few moments because I was trying to keep from crying. It all hit me at once. And then, other than a few moments here and there of getting briefly choked up, I was fine throughout the rest of the services... September 2003: In the late days of August, a tiny blessing of fur arrived in our apartment, reminding me of the neverending cycles of life. I received more comfort in grieving over Grandma's death from Gus than I can express in words. My mother was right-- Grandma sent him to us, knowing that he would be the right expression of her insistance that I find my way back into life again. Just watching the tiny kitten learn to walk and jump gave me a feeling of serenity, and that things will be okay. There were extremely amusing moments, too. Still, the issues with my father took an even deeper turn, creating a crater in my soul when I realized how truly low the regard for me was in his mind. And no, he never has said anything. September 15th~ I know that LGM lost a lot of respect for several people because of their disregard his grief. People who DID know his dad had died, yet did nothing and said nothing to him directly, pretending that nothing ever happened when they next saw him. You do notice. And it does insult at some level when it's a friend or a family member. It's an odd little thing. And it shows a LOT about the true nature of the person underneath... Dad's lack of condolences piss me off to no end because it's a nail in the coffin that he has absolutely no regard for my feelings as a person or as his daughter. The fact that Anne didn't insist on sending anything shows her true nature, too. How true it is-- the little things are what people remember afterwards. A simple note would have done so much to restore respect in him. October 2003: October is one of those months where I didn't find a lot of time to write. LGM moved in that month, and there was much insanity with the car... and I was prepping for NaNoWriMo. I had a great girls-weekend in October. And that's about it... oh yeah, the Red Sox. How quickly I've put that out of my mind. At least the Yankees lost... but I didn't say a whole hell of a lot, and there's not that much that I can quote... October 20th~ The cold part of the year has arrived here in New England-- we had our first freeze overnight, leaving a layer of frosty ice all over everything. It's sent the trees into heavy leaf-dropping mode, and will probably have all of my uncovered flower boxes in crumpled heaps by the end of the week. And thankfully, I don't have to deal with it all week. I'm counting down until Wednesday morning.... and then I get to go to Florida for a long weekend. *sigh* November 2003: The final lock in this year's woes-- car crash. I (literally... as I was putting this entry together) finally am getting the Jeep back either Friday or Monday. Two months, serious work-- I'll give the final damage total once I know it. Between NaNoWriMo and the car, I nearly cracked. Erich wanted to throttle me on more than one occasion, I'm sure. Undoubtedly, LGM did, too. November 8th~ ... So yesterday, rather than mourn what I did six years ago, I spent the day being angry about what had happened, but also thankful for what didn't happen. It could have been so much worse. I didn't do much else yesterday, other than file my claim and get the paperwork from the Randolph police department that I need to submit to the Commonwealth. But I'm okay... just really upset, really annoyed, and really thankful of what could have happened... but didn't... December 2003: Blizzards (there are still snow piles around the house, mind you-- despite springlike weather the last week or so), tree-killing kittens, and lots of emotions about the holidays... that's been December in a nutshell. Most of me was just wanting to get through the month to this point, so 2003 could end, and I could take a deep breath and pray for better times. However, the Goddess decided to add some humor into my month-- which gives me a smile every morning as I see his spotted little face... the color isn't going away anytime soon... maybe it'll disappear by, well, June? December 15th~ LGM picks up Gus, and immediately asks in a concerned tone-- "why is his face red?" The first reaction is that his little scuffles with Fizzy have finally tipped her over the edge and she gave him a nasty clawing, so he had blood on his face. But no... it wasn't blood. In fact, it wasn't even red. And the realization of what happened dawned on me and I ran to the bathroom. You guessed it... Gus found a spot that I'd missed with that insanely curious, talented nose of his, rubbed his forehead, the side of his ear, and his cheek on it, and bleached his fur in litte speckles and sweeping brushes. And what happens if a dark brunette tries to go blonde by simply using blonde hair dye? You got it .. He's got orange spotted fur on his face now. That unhealthy sick orange that I associate with elderly dark-haired women who desperately want to go blonde rather than grey, and it honestly looks worse orange THAN grey. Kiss my ass, 2003. I'm done. 10:15 a.m. - 31 December 2003 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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