measi's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Memories that Bind I stopped yesterday morning at some point and realized that my grandma has been gone for a month. Time moves so quickly. I honestly don't remember most of the latter half of August. I know I was there, but in so many ways I was simply going through the motions to get by. I felt fine, yet didn't. Some of the mourning has been tempered by Gus' arrival. Mourning the death of a loved one while watching in wonder at the same time that a newly born life is growing, learning, and adapting. The cycle of life continues. My mother is convinced that Grandma's soul helped us find the kitten. He was so incredibly small that it really was luck that allowed us to find him. My mom thinks that Grandma knew that we would take good care of this kitten, and nudged it to cry just a bit louder so Erich could hear him. It's a nice, comforting thing to think of, regardless of whether it's true or not. My grandma giving me that little bit of extra comfort in the form of a kitten as I adjust to life without her here. Especially one like Gus who is such a little snuggler. He tries to nuzzle right against your neck and cheek to sleep, and gives little kitty kisses when he's not burning with kitten energy. Mom and I chatted for a while last night, mostly out of concern for my grandpa (who is hanging in there, if struggling in an extremely understandable way). We talked about how she feels so thankful she'd had the ten years in Pennsylvania before Grandma died. She learned so much about them and became much closer with them during the last decade that wouldn't have been possible had she still lived in California. We talked about a lot of things, including my dad, and how she's angry he still hasn't said a word to me since I sent that letter back in March. My mom got a condolence card from him-- but he didn't send anything my way. I tried to reassure her that I honestly hadn't expected him to. I hoped for something, but didn't expect it. Which led us into an interesting conversation about the things that stick out so much in a time of grief. LGM had mentioned it after his father died in February. I got the general idea of it then, but now having gone through a family death myself, I can completely understand it. In the whirlwind of grief, you might not remember those who did offer condolences or their help. But you sure as hell remember those who don't. I know that LGM lost a lot of respect for several people because of their disregard his grief. People who DID know his dad had died, yet did nothing and said nothing to him directly, pretending that nothing ever happened when they next saw him. You do notice. And it does insult at some level when it's a friend or a family member. It's an odd little thing. And it shows a LOT about the true nature of the person underneath. My Grandmother Lillian-- my father's mother -- sent my mom a beautiful little note of condolence the week I left from Pennsylvania. She hadn't spoken to my mom in five years-- since my college graduation-- yet made a point to send a card with a gentle letter of how she remembered my grandmother. Her exact words about my grandparents were "her favorite First Generation American success story." They came with nothing but what they wore. They created a life and a family of love. It doesn't get much better than that. And my Grandmother Lillian, who lost my grandfather back in 1974 and her later roommate/partner ("Red") last year, knows that first-hand. She's watched most of her own children distance themselves, both physically and emotionally, as time goes on. Regardless of the differences my mother and grandmother had while my mom was married to my dad (they've both used "bitch" in my presence to describe one another), she sent Mom a note. Because it was the right thing to do. She sent a letter to my grandfather as well. Dad's lack of condolences piss me off to no end because it's a nail in the coffin that he has absolutely no regard for my feelings as a person or as his daughter. The fact that Anne didn't insist on sending anything shows her true nature, too. How true it is-- the little things are what people remember afterwards. A simple note would have done so much to restore respect in him.
2:08 p.m. - 15 September 2003 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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