measi's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Completing the Circle Faith has been on my mind a lot.. again... in the last couple months. I have this strong desire to reconnect, to reflect, to start seeking out avenues that I haven't traveled down. I've found that my need for spiritual development goes in cycles about every three years or so. It's been on this cycle since I was a pre-teen and becoming self-aware of my soul and inner faith. Perhaps it's that inner desire to prove that There Has To Be More Than This. Or it's just a need to feel that I'm not this little speck of nothing in the universe. Who knows. But Lughnasadh came and went, and I really didn't do much this year, other than mentally note it and have a desire to do something ritual-related. But as always, I didn't. The altar supplies remain where they've been for months, and my Book of Moons lies quietly on the shelf, begging me to replace it and re-write it since it had its accident with lilac oil sometime about 18-24 months ago on the mantle in The Beast. I do find myself reflective every year in August, thanks to Lughnasadh being my Dedication date. It's like a birthday-- the same day every year that reminds you of your age, where you've been, what you are, where you might be going next. This summer, two rather large non-Pagan events have caught my eye, mostly because they are both part of my past-- the Christian path I left behind after high school to venture where I am now. I know I'm on the right spiritual path. I've experienced a one-on-one connection with Mother Goddess on a couple of occasions, one being with Her Bast aspect around seven years ago. I know that deep down, my commitment to faith is solid. Yet I've watched the news reports lately, and felt a yearning to belong back to the familiar ritual of my youth. Not for the religion itself, but just the familiar comfort it brings. Most of that I attribute to the feelings of loss with my dad. But I'm still confused as to why they come up. Why now... and for what reason? The first event is the elevation of Brother O'Malley to Archbishop of Boston. Catholicism plays such a large role in my life, not only because I live in the Boston metro area (where Catholicism is essentially a political party which influences just about everything), but also because of my mother's side of the family. His elevation happened on July 30th, and I watched the ceremony and the two-hour mass which followed on TV. I felt his homily was a powerful, moving one. His words bring me hope that the church, which has sustained my grandparents through so many years, will be able to heal and learn from its mistakes. The other event is the Episcopal Church and the gay Bishop-elect of New Hampshire, since I grew up in an Episcopal household that was conservative in some respects, but oddly liberal in others. Such is the conundrum that is the Episcopal/Anglican faith in the U.S. I was excited when women were first ordained. It thrilled me that my childhood faith was to welcome gays into the clergy hierarchy. And it saddened me yesterday to hear of the last-ditch accusations of abuse, which are timed in such an odd way that I feel they're nothing short of a ploy to defame the priest in question out of hate, fear, and bigotry. I watch these events going on, realizing that so many people are questioning faith these days, due to the events in various churches and religions around the world. I'm not alone, yet at the same time, I am... since my faith ultimately affects only me. Underlying it all is a need to belong, I think. I've often desired to be part of a coven, a grove, a circle-- some sort of a consistent group with which to worship and commune. But I've never moved forward with pursuing it. Mostly out of fear of rejection, I think. Partially out of fear that I'll get through the year and a day to initiate into a coven, and then find that the time demands are unreasonable for my life. I don't feel qualified to organize a circle on my own, since I haven't had much circle work experience. Having Colley or Fizzy wander through a cast circle doesn't exactly count as group work, particularly if the cats' goal is to stretch out upon the open pages of my Book of Moons (as it normally is with the chronic catsprawl that my apartment seems to have). So how did I get down the path that I chose? And did I make the right choices? I do believe I did... I believe choices in the matter of faith are ones made by instinct as much as intellect. My soul lead, and I subconsciously followed. I originally entered Pagan study in 1993 with the intent to seek out the reasons being feelings and emotions I already had-- a variety of different thoughts and reasons (which do vary from day to day, if you ask me why I chose this path). Things I sensed, things I knew, things I saw and felt... but couldn't understand and for which I didn't have an identifying name. I started to understand the first moment the shop clerk came up to me out of the blue at Crow Haven's Corner, placed a book in my hand, and said "She touched my hand, too..." I'd entered the shop as most teenagers do... out of curiosity for that which seemed forbidden and weird. Real Live Witches... oooh.... the shock! (and in the early 1990', it still was, without the campy movies and TV shows that spread across the next few years) Amid the glitter and blatant commercialism that is Salem (and Crow Haven's in particular), I walked out, carrying that book, with a very strange sensation of grounding. And that intrigued me. I don't know who the guy was who gave me the book. He might still work at Crow Haven's. He might not. He might have been simply trying the sales pitch-- probably more likely. But it got my attention and woke something up inside of me. And I've spent the last near-decade trying to define what that thing is.. ~ Mel. 2:01 p.m. - 05 August 2003 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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