measi's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- dreaming of sleep (twitchy freeverse entry) My doctor's appointment is tomorrow-- and I'm looking forward to the chance to finally talk to him about some of the things that have me worried. My fear and frustration with the weight loss, my ankle, my inability to sleep (and the myriad of consequences therein), and the depression that I've been trying to deny that I need meds for. I was home yesterday due to a combination of stomach pains and my hives. And during my day of doing jack shit, mostly on the couch, I realized that out of all of the issues that I'm having right now, I'll bet a lot of money that the lack of sleep probably is a catalyst or severe agitator of most if not all of them. Without sleep, I'm exhausted. No energy = no exercise, no desire to accomplish things, short temper, moodiness, lack of sex drive, and just overall blehs. So that's front and center tomorrow-- what can I do to solve this sleep issue. I've been making mental notes for the past few weeks about my sleeping issues. I'm noticing myself waking up earlier and earlier, yet going to bed at the same time (and not being capable of falling asleep earlier). I'm a horrifically light sleeper. With the exception of perhaps the first hour after I fall asleep (when I'm dead to the world), anything can wake me up. After 4 in the morning? Forget it... if I get woken up, I'm up. I've always been a poor sleeper. But lately, I think the problem is getting much worse. By my estimate, I'm getting MAYBE five and a half hours a night. Maybe. I'm not sure exactly what time I actually start hearing things and my mind starts going in the morning, even when I haven't opened my eyes. I know it's at least partially light outside. On the rare times I've had to get up when this happens, I've seen five-o'clock a.m. times on the cable box. How much of it is due to outside noise in town, I don't know-- our street is obnoxiously loud in the morning (I never had this much noise in any of my apartments in Boston, ironically). How much of the lack of sleep is caused in a Catch-22 by depression, I don't know either. I do know the two can be very closely linked. I'm finding myself relying more and more on caffeine just to keep moving. And yeah, that concerns me too... because the caffeine can't be helping my already irritated digestive tract. It's not good for me. I know this. But I've become addicted, and I need to work on breaking that addiction by finding the solution to the initial problem. Everything is going back to this exhaustion, and I need to find a way to fix it. Hopefully. So I'm going to have a frank talk with my doctor tomorrow, and ask him what he recommends-- either medicine-wise or a consultation with someone. And perhaps I'm off base about the whole thing, and the depression is the actual root of it all. Or perhaps I really don't have depression but am a stupid twenty-something who needs to suck it up and deal. Who knows? But regardless of what the problems are, I need to find a way to start solving them. I need to improve myself. Physically, I'm in bad shape-- I need to lose weight. I need to exercise. I need to reclaim my life from the hell I've let it go into by being obese. But there are underlying issues to it-- sure, eating a lot causes a good chunk of the weight. So why did I start eating so poorly? Why did I stop exercising? Why can't I motivate myself? I need to get these issues resolved, or any attempts to improve myself are going to be temporary patch jobs, with no real chance of succeeding. There are people I've encountered in life-- professionally and personally-- that strike me as people who had so much potential, but somehow just let life run them down. I see the initial signs of that coming with myself, and I don't like it. I don't want it to happen. I can't let that happen. My twenties have nearly gone to hell now, regretting, waiting, procrastinating... how much longer do I wait before I take action on it? I don't want to look back on my life when I'm, for example, my dad's age, and doing the "if only" game. I don't want to look back at my own stupidity and inability to move off my ass. And yes. This is a mental pep talk to myself. :) Anyone else want to take a turn at kicking me a bit? 10:51 a.m. - 05 June 2003 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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