measi's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Topics rambling (cold-induced entry ahead) I've had a bunch of little snippets of thoughts that have been going through my mind today. It's been one of those busy-body days where I really am not accomplishing too much, but seem to be making a nifty, clean desk. I'm not sure if it's a good thing or a bad thing. But just in case I lose the train of thought and forget about said topics that I do want to write about in the next few days, I'm just going to list them here. ~ My grandmother Lillian, since her birthday is coming up. (and some ways of life that I was thinking that relate to her) ~ Things I want to improve in my life... sooner rather than later ~ Easter, since that's coming up soon. ~ My ever-changing debt status, which has taken a nice turn for the better ~ Random thoughts about events in the last two weeks. ~ The situation with my dad It's getting close to 5 p.m., and I'll be heading home soon, but I wanted to scribble those down just in case. By the looks of things outside, I have a miserably long commute coming up tonight. I'll probably have the time to think of a number of other topics to chat about. I'm kinda tired of just scribbling like I'm putting a daily planner in here. I know I don't do it all the time, but it seems to happen more often than not, and it's really not what I want to be doing with this journal these days. I just need to find the time and effort to sit my ass down and actually do some deep writing. Ivanna and I have chatted briefly via email and the phone over the past two days. Like everyone else, she's been going absolutely crazy with life recently-- and she finally saw my journal this week. She really liked my entry where I tried writing a letter to myself as a child. I admitted to her how hard a letter it was to write-- not emotionally, but just trying to figure out what the hell to say. How do you drop a "This Is Your Life" on yourself as an eight-year-old? What do you talk about? I might have to make this a yearly thing... and see where this idea leads me. Maybe take an email to a different age each time or something. I don't know. I also was catching up on some of my own journal reading today, and a particular entry by Chimera had me really thinking this afternoon. I tend to agree with the question about how much we really don't care that someone reads our journal or not. Ultimately, even if we are writing for ourselves, having an online journal is trying to promote having an audience, isn't it? Why have an online journal if not for the hope that someone will read it... for whatever reason? Sure, it's a lot faster to type entries than handwrite them... but one can always have a journal that's simply comprised of Microsoft Word documents on the hard drive, if that's the case. Why have it out in the open, where anyone could read it? Granted, I do try to write in this thing primarily for myself. Because ultimately, I am the main audience for it. But over time, it's developed into a way for me to communicate with other people in some fashion. For those who know me offline-- it gives them an idea of what's going on in this scary brain of mine. For those who know me online, it's a way to connect with new people and to develop friendships (or whatever else might come up along the way). It's developed into a communication method for me to the world. My little soapbox, for good or bad. The bad is getting into trouble with words that I've written. Things that have happened in the last two weeks might be chalked up under "this really isn't helping, Mel" categories. But then again, it is how I feel... and I don't feel ashamed to be expressing it, provided that I withhold names and such. Some people will know exactly what's going on simply because they know me well in some way, shape, or form. Others won't have a clue. The good, though, is occasionally meeting people like Finn, Hoolie, and Minarae, who have become quite familiar. Hearing from someone who reads something I've written-- something that I'm having a lot of trouble expressing and I'm not sure whether it makes any sense or not. When they reply and say "I know what you're talking about..." and have some paraphrasing of exactly what I was trying to say that makes sense. Making that connection and feeling less alone is what makes writing here worthwhile a lot of the time. Every once in a while, I wonder if it's a good thing that I'm writing here. By no means am I taking my journal down, nor will I start editing my words anymore than I already do at times-- but I have to wonder... is this really the person I want to be identified with? I am honest in here. Sometimes I reserve some of my opinions, knowing who might be reading it, but most of the time I don't pull punches. If I'm pissed, I'm pissed. If I'm happy, I'm happy. And I try like hell to actually get some HAPPY entries in here, even though it's far easier to use a journal to rant. Several situations in life just have me in one of those melancholy states. Cold meds aren't helping, either. I'm not feeling pure depression, but rather just feel... non-committal. Overwhelmed. A bit numb. Way too much to think about and filter through, but too much of an overload at one time. And sometimes, figuring out the medium that I'll be using to actually do the filtering is the first thing I need to do... like I'm doing today. So if things sound kinda jumbled here for the next couple weeks, don't worry too much about me... I am doing fine, actually. I just have a lot of stuff that's happened recently that I need to wade through and talk about with myself. And maybe it's a good idea that I have an audience, so that I don't retreat completely into myself as I figure all of this stuff out... 5:10. time to head home. ~ Mel. 4:40 p.m. - 03 April 2003 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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