measi's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The freedom of choice Today's 30th anniversary of Roe vs. Wade has me thinking. For those who know me well, they already know why. For those who don't, you might want to read here before you go further. I apologize for being jumbled this morning-- I am decaffeinated, and I have a lot of thoughts on the matter, but can't quite get all of them into words. I needed to unlock that entry. I've been wanting to for a while, but just have been afraid to take that step. The problem is not that I'm utterly ashamed of myself. The problem is that I'm still afraid of the scorn and ridicule that come with being a woman who has faced the choice of abortion and walked past the protestors, huddled in someone's arms to keep from them screaming in my face. I realized sometime in November, once I wrote my cryptic prayer, that things were different now. Because I had told people, then winced, waiting for them to condemn me. To my utter surprise, it didn't happen. In fact, a few people gave me hugs, and even revealed they had made a similar choice sometime in their lives. I'll be honest-- I still feel that scarlet A is shining rather brightly at times. As if the God of all of the fundamentalist "Pro-Lifers" was putting my aura on display as if to say "Here... get this one!!! Not only did she have an abortion, but she's a WITCH TOO!" But I've found this year that I don't think about it as much, and when I do, it's not as painful as it once was. I've recognized that my shame isn't as much having to choose to have an abortion, but the shame about getting pregnant in the first place. I've also recognized that a lot of the shame has to do with my fears about my father's disappointment. But of course, he's always going to be disappointed in me anyway. This problem, which he doesn't know about, shouldn't be any worse than any other, right? If you were to ask me ten years ago, what I felt about abortion, I would have told you that I support the right to choose, but I'd never have one myself. A fair assessment, and one I can respect from anyone who chooses to speak it. I can respect a someone who's anti-abortion, provided that they respect those who disagree with them. And there are several people who are anti-abortion who still are respectful of other people's rights to disagree. They may be sorely disappointed or disgusted with another person's choice, but they reserve comments or just silently pray for the person without being pushy or obnoxious. Not a problem. Yes, many girls and women (including me) walk into a reproductive health clinic because we've been stupid and irresponsible. But not all do. There are many other reasons for a first-term abortion that are valid. And unfortunately, many of the more rabid anti-abortion protesters forget that fact. How many of these anti-abortion protesters are actually helping aid children in foster care, or have adopted children? How many of them are giving care to the children they've "saved" from an abortion provider? How many of them give two shits about a child, let alone the mother, after the child is born? There are so many thousands of children being yanked along in the children's "services" governmental sector-- but how many of these protesters are doing anything but screaming inaccuracies to women outside the clinics? If Roe vs. Wade had gone another route, my life would not be as it is. At all. I wouldn't have met Erich. I almost certainly would not have found the job I'm in. I wouldn't have dealt with the issues that I have since '97. Because I would have been too busy trying to care for a young child all these years, figuring out a way to make it on my own. I would have been a child tending to a child. It would have been the utmost disrespect for her. So regardless of the controversy surrounding the decision, I owe Roe vs. Wade a large portion of my life right now. That choice was a pivot that would have changed everything. Every little thing. And if someone who is reading will condemn me because I made that choice, there is nothing I can do to stop them. Those who know me, though, will understand that it was a huge mistake. It's one I've paid for and punished myself for. And self-punishment is usually so much worse than something inflicted by someone else. I have learned from the mistake. I've grown. I've changed. I just pray that other women will continue to have that chance. ~ Mel. 10:02 a.m. - 22 January 2003 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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