measi's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Mid-week ponderings [erich] works the late shift today. That translates into about a half-hour or so of extra sleep before the alarm goes off so I can get up and get to work. This morning, the air was chilly and damp, though. I snuggled back down under my comforter for an extra half hour because I just was entirely too comfortable lying there. I even got Erich to come over and snuggle on my bed for a little while. Colley willingly sprawled on top of me, and was blasting his squeaky purr as we both gave him some chin scratches and tummy rubs. It was a cozy morning, and I didn't want to get moving. I'm here, and I'm still really not moving. I think a lot of the problem is that work has been at such an insane pace all year. I'm drained. And there's no end in sight. Erich touched a bit of a sore nerve this morning with me when he asked about the promotion I was supposed to get. Key word here is supposed to. Unless I ask about it, nothing is said. And I'm running myself ragged just trying to keep up with the work I have. I'm not entirely sure anymore if I want to take on this job. Sure, it's more money, but it also means longer hours, work coming home, and a lot more stress. I'm not sure whether it's worth that to me, and I'm also worried that this job will become one where it's just dropped on me with no training. Kinda like how my administrative job was. Granted, admin work isn't that complicated-- once you know your way around and who to talk to, it's pretty easy to get yourself set up in a working system. But doing budgetary things are an entirely different matter. And I'm not quite sure if I have the inner confidence to take on that much responsibility. I'm not sure whether I have the drive, either. Perhaps it's because I feel somewhat content with my life right now. It's like how I felt under the covers this morning. I'm feeling cozy. The things that only two years ago I was convinced would never happen to me... have. And I'm loving it. I guess I just don't want to shake things up for a while, and just bask in the comfort that I've found. Things were too shaky for too long anyway. I had a brief talk somewhat along those lines with Ivanna via email yesterday. I'm going to sit down and actually write a longer email to her later, because we're discussing a topic that I don't want to be flippant about. But it made me think-- I've really changed in the past two years. LGM commented on that back in September as we drove down to New York-- how he was glad to see that I'd found a way to pull myself together. At the time, I had to fight an instinctive laugh-- had I really? I guess in many ways, I have. Like everyone else, I still have things that need fixing. Some things need a whole lot of fixing. But I'm getting there. The results of some of the work is evident, and I'm feeling better. I guess I just want to enjoy resting my head for a while. I can keep striving to improve myself, but I've gotten myself out of the emotional gutter I was in. It has left me weary, though, and I need to rest. And at the same time, I'm worried that if I do rest, I'll become complacent again and just let myself go back down into that pit from hell... 10:57 a.m. - 13 November 2002 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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