measi's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Closing down the year... I can't believe it's the end of October already. Even though in many ways, I don't feel like this year has flown by. Specific days have, and I feel like I've been short on time for so many things. Yet I feel like this year has dragged on. It's hard to explain. Time is such an odd, fluid thing. But Samhain gives me the chance to look back and reflect-- to make notes of what I'd like to change in my life, and to make note of the changes I've made in the last year, without the distractions of the insanity that surrounds January 1st. November 2001: I realize how shallow patriotism is in this country as I show up for the polls. I realize how protective I am of some of the people in my inner circle of friends, and realize how much I need to distance myself from a certain few who cannot handle themselves in any sort of respectable manner. Erich meets my mom's side of the family, and thankfully is welcomed in with open arms. It was the beginning of a year of a lot of deep thinking for me, and a huge year of mental growth. In retrospect, I grew up this year. The switch from college kid to adult came this past year. And I don't ever want to go back to how I was. November 8, 2001~ I have wasted four years of my life making excuses and dismissing the same things happening under the inbred na�ve thinking that there is goodness in all people, and that all people have a desire to be good people. Granted, the adult side of me has known this not to be true for many, many years now. But with certain people, I seem to get into a rut of always hoping for them. There's something I see, either directly or intuitively, that keeps that hope alive. Unfortunately, the amount of energy required to keep that hope alive with particular people outweighs the potential outcome. December 2001: Although I didn't write much this month due to the insanity of the holidays, it was one of those cozy years where I was in love, exploring a new relationship, and forging ties that had been frayed with family members. One of the biggest surprises? My mother finally accepted that I will never have the figure of a model. December 17, 2001~ I am able as a Pagan to celebrate the warmth of family love through the darkest days of winter, while my Christian family members can celebrate "the reason for the season" without any interfaith wars coming up at the dinner table. We celebrate, we love, and we share. And just for an evening, everything in the family and in the world seems to come into balance. January 2002: Erich and I hit the first Con together. I'm realizing how free I am finally getting from emotional pain that I was slammed with for so many years, and am slowly releasing it. My cat reveals the latest secret-- he is a she. Andrea seems to have disappeared, and I wonder what has happened to her and the upcoming date of her wedding. And I sit down for one of the hardest journal entries I've made to date-- written in the third person, because I was having trouble writing it from first. January 11, 2002~ And Melissa wonders if the woman thinks about her as much as she thinks about the woman every January 11th. And if she can sense that Melissa is in awe and grateful for the decision that she made that cold winter day 27 years ago. Without it, she wouldn't be who she is. February 2002: The Pats win the Superbowl. My first Valentine's Day since high school that I didn't celebrate as "Black [insert day of week here]." And I was completely, utterly in bliss. (I still am-- but it's amusing to read those entries). I have frustrations with people at work, and find that I'm not as laid-back about my work style as I thought I'd been. I find new mail addictions in 1000journals and Nervousness, and discover that long-kept interests were fading away. February 5, 2002~ I have to wonder if this kind of ugliness went on behind the scenes with my parents. I have to think it probably did, at least to some degree. I mean, my Goddess... my dad's an OB/GYN, was making decent money, particularly for living in Montana where the cost of living isn't too obscene, and is very smart about investing and saving money. I know my mom's yearly alimony was more than I make currently. It was only paid for about four years, because part of the agreement was that alimony would stop in lieu of paying for my brother and I to go off to college. My mother was a stay-at-home mom who had started a bakery and catering service on the side, but she sold off her part of it when she moved to California. She had a nursing degree that was nearly 20 years old and had not been updated, and was having to support herself for the first time in her life-- in her mid-40's. I can't imagine some ugliness didn't erupt as my mom asked for her fair share from the marriage. March 2002: Erich and I have our first fight-- over gaming, surprise, surprise. Tan and I begin our occasional girls' nights out, bitching about life in general over frozen 'ritas and cheap food. My youngest cousin, Clarissa, is born. I experience my first LAN party. I get financially screwed by the IRS when I go a whopping $1.50 into a higher tax bracket. And I mark my one-year anniversary of having my journal on Diary-X. March 29, 2002~ I originally started this journal to vent off the frustrations I was having with LGM and Grace, since at the time I wasn't as close with Tan or JT and felt like I was very much in the "me against the world" situation. But as I got more comfortable, the tone and topics changed. Now my life is so incredibly different than last year. The only things that really seem to not have changed are the place I live and the place I work. (and maybe my weight). April 2002: I celebrate a nifty ride on the Acela train. Mistakes in my computational ability results in over $20,000 in overbudget-ness in our department (head thump). Fizzy develops her abilities as a true Lich Kitten. And I do some reflective reading in my old journals from college. April 18, 2002~ I realized how much of my life in the past few years have been thrown away to worry and confusion over things that I allowed myself to get dragged into. They were things I could have walked away from, but I didn't. I just sat there on my ass and did nothing. I lamented, I complained, but nothing was accomplished. Was it laziness or fear that kept me stagnant? May 2002: I have a crisis of faith and personal integrity-- realizing how apathetic I was, and how jealous I was of other people's deep convictions in faith, much to the surprise of many readers. I still feel apathetic and frustrated, but am working through it. My Book of Shadows has been closed since January. I have not done ritual since then. And it's okay. Andrea finally contacts me and lets me know that she's okay. I hear from her in June with the updates. Erich and I celebrate our one year anniversary. May 29, 2002~ The thing that has been gnawing at me is because I have such high personal ethics for myself, and I forget that others don't share them sometimes. Sure, I can be a hypocrite about this at times-- but I absolutely despise when someone tells another person that their lifestyle is wrong. In my opinion, it's no one's business-- we are all free to live life the way we choose. And even when someone's lifestyle does weird me out a bit (and yes, there are a few that do), my response usually is a "listen... I don't agree with what you're doing, but it's your life. Just accept that I'm wigged." June 2002: I finally hear from Andi, and my move from college to adult really kicks in. All of my high school friends are now parents, except me. Plans for moving into an apartment with Erich commence. I being teaching and attuning others in Reiki. The battle over the Pledge of Allegiance begins, reaffirming my sense of isolation in America. And I finally begin the healing process on the most difficult decision I've ever made, and don't need to pause to dwell on it every day. June 6, 2002~ And although I survived it, it was a long battle to forgive myself for making the choice. For the better part of three years, I felt unclean and tainted. In my mind, a big Scarlet "A" was burned into my heart. July 2002: We get the apartment. Taming the Beast becomes a focus of my life. The joys of car purchasing becomes the ongoing frustration. I have an interesting day experiencing the unique world of the Boston-area BSDM community without planning ahead. Ade has her first experience of a Witch War. July 29, 2002~ I've come to the conclusion through this wonderful exercise on my patience with my parents that my mother has NEVER dealt with the divorce. She won't fucking get over it, even though she puts on this great show that she's doing just fine. She forgets that her children, or at least this child, sees right through the charade because I've done the denial thing with LGM a bit more recently, and also because I've been thrown in this "child in the middle" crap since I was a teenager. To my mother, everything is my dad's fault. First it was how her settlement happened in the divorce. Then everything sparked back up when my dad got remarried. She uses the excuse that he was insensitive to put his wedding date the day before their original one. Perhaps it was. Perhaps my dad's an asshole to have done so. But he was getting married in Hilton Head, during their vacation there, with the family and friends he wanted included, in the place where he proposed to her. He only had a one weekend window to plan this thing. It happened to be on that date. As soon as she remarried, the pissing and moaning started again. I've bitten my tongue through a lot of it. I've even verbally agreed, with no real truth behind it, in hopes of shutting her up about it. Nothing works. August 2002: My entire life revolves around the move. Completely. Nothing else really to be said. August 5, 2002~ Unfortunately, I can't back down this time. While I love my mother, backing down would be agreeing and going along with her behavior. And I just can't do this anymore. I'm tired of being hurt by her, and then being told it's all my fault. I won't call it abuse, because this doesn't qualify for that severity. But it's annoying the piss out of me. If anything, I think it's abusive behavior to herself, because by doing this, she alienates those who love her. She's in a case of denial that resembles alcoholism or drug abuse-- if people keep silent, she can continue acting this way. But confronting her about it is ugly. She verbally beats people back into submission so she can continue it. September 2002: I leave my tiny bubble of reality that is Boston, and move out into a brave new world, with Erich. Work stress becomes my everday life. September 11th comes and goes, and now is nearly forgotten except in a few passing comments in the news. Tan and JT get married. We celebrate with a trip to the Renaissance Faire. September 11, 2002~ Since September 11th, the battle lines of Us vs. Them have been drawn strongly. If you're not a monotheist of Judeo-Christian persuasion, you're an outsider. Your faith is not welcome, nor wanted. Your views about discomfort about all of the "God Bless America" in some way, shape, or form, is not welcome. So shut up and put up, or get the hell out. October 2002: Erich meets my dad and his site of the family for the first time. We help prepare Erich's parents for moving into their separate lives after several years of marriage. Our life together starts settling into a routine, becoming comfortable. I reflect on my music tastes and appreciation. I sign up to start the new year with a novel. October 28, 2002~ I've become more and more amused at the battle cry to "protect" kids from things. I'm convinced that there is a growing fad of parents who refuse to let their kids actually grow up into adults. They want to keep them as clueless toddlers until the kids are 18, and then throw them off to college. They claim that this protection is for the good of kids. But is it really? Isn't it better to try to let kids grow and develop, and be honest with them about things, while taking into consideration their maturity level? It's been a hell of a year... ~ Mel. 12:11 p.m. - 30 October 2002 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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