measi's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Quiet before the storm(s) As mentioned in several entries lately, the tone in this office seems to be getting weirder. I just see the vision of a rubber band being pulled further and further-- developing more tension, yet also moving further away from any safe return. It's going to snap, and I think today we're sitting in the lull of a storm. Things are relatively quiet around here today. I'll be working on contracts most of the day. Linda and Kathy have time to go out for lunch, so we'll probably go grab Chinese food somewhere in Needham. But there's just an eerie quiet about the place. And it's giving me the creeps. Has it gotten so stressful around here that a quiet day is just horrifically abnormal and uncomfortable? I used to relish quiet days. Today I just feel like I'm bracing for something. *sigh* I'm becoming paranoid. I just know it. I think that part of it is due to the impending trip to Pennsylvania tomorrow evening. [erich] and I are heading down to Birdsboro to visit my paternal grandmother. My father and stepmother will be there, too-- they flew Back East sometime mid-week. I'm not sure if they went to North Carolina to visit her mother first, or went to Pennsylvania first-- but it's one of those all-purpose relative trips. On Sunday morning, I think, Uncle Chris and Uncle Ray will head up to the Kent family homestead and Erich will get the lumping of the other side of my family all at once-- just like he did with Mom's side last Thanksgiving. I guess this is just the bane of meeting my family. Everyone's so spread out that the only time Erich can really meet anyone is when we get together for reunions or holidays. Poor guy. The Kent side of the family isn't quite as close as my mom's side. A lot of it has to do with my grandmother, and I'm a bit worried about dealing with her. Knowing that I'll have to bow down to her whims for a few days makes me jittery. She can be a fun woman to spend time with-- she has a love of music and art that I share. But at the same time, her interests in it are strictly classical, while I appreciate a broad range of styles. Trying to restrain myself for "proper" behavior gets mentally exhausting, and she can be an extremely demanding woman. And my relationship with her drives me nuts. I want to be close to her emotionally-- she's my grandmother. But I don't see how it can be a genuine loving relationship if I have to change myself to be able to be liked by her, or be tolerated. It makes me feel like the awkward child, always afraid of getting in trouble, so I don't do anything. Anytime I go to visit her, I'm paranoid of the storm I will stir up there. What notes will follow me back to Massachusetts? What behavior am I fucking up now? These are genuine questions that come up on every trip down to Birdsboro. And I'm sick of them being so instinctive. *sigh* 11:34 a.m. - 3 October 2002 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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