measi's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Well, THAT went well... Mom called last night. The phone call I was dreading. And I told her about Dad's decision to contribute $2,000.00. For a moment, it was appearing like I had over-reacted. She was being cool about it. And I told her how relieved I was, considering how the last few weeks have been on this subject, and how I've hated being in the middle on this because it's made me absolutely miserable, and that I'm not even excited about getting a car now. In fact, I'm regretting ever even asking for help on it. This whole situation has re-enforced why I hate asking for money, (and unspoken, how I will NEVER do it again. Ever.) Heh. Yeah, that comment went over well. My mom immediately started twisting the words back at me, telling me how it was my problem, and she was sorry that I couldn't get over it and how she's so sorry that my father intimidates me so much, but that she had NEVER put me in the middle, and it was just me thinking that way. Excuse me? Did she uphold her promise to get in contact with my father? No. The only person who did was me. Then why the hell did I have to play messenger girl between my parents. The word "between" means I'm in the middle, right? Anything that came out of my mouth was immediately twisted back. She began blaming everything on my dad. Then starts bringing up bullshit about how I "always defend him, but I never defend her." (where this crap starts from, I don't know). And she brings up how I "defended" him to my grandparents, which left them astonished (not only do I not remember doing this, but she's been dragging this example around for three years or so). I told her how I shouldn't need to defend EITHER of them, but I do. And she keeps going, and I try to pull the conversation back to the issue at hand-- how she treats me. Doesn't work. She continues to insist that I'm the one with the problem, and how maybe "when I'm older I'll understand." It's amazing how this woman will dodge any responsibility for how her actions affect others. It absolutely astounds me. Yet if I do anything, of course, immediately she'll call me on it. Bear in mind that I've been understanding this issue for exactly half of my lifetime. Because this is how long this has been going on. Once she pulled that line out of her ass, I erupted at her. And she kept threatening to hang up the phone because this "conversation wasn't getting anywhere." My reply: "Obviously not, since you won't even acknowledge that I have a right to have feelings, Mom, that aren't kissing your ass." And I hung up on her. I'm so tempted to just tell her "You know, don't bother. I'll accept the $2,000 from my dad, which was given without any strings, and put a down payment on a car. Don't bother at all, Mom, because quite frankly, I feel like accepting any money from you is accepting hush money for your denial for your own actions and how you've acted towards me." I wonder if I really have the nerve to do that. I'm so tempted, because she literally had me mad enough to cry myself to sleep last night. And that doesn't happen very often. 11:15 a.m. - 31 July 2002 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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