measi's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Old Dusty Journals This evening as I was organizing a little (very little), I came across my first college journal-- a shiny gold Egyptian-decorated book that I picked up at some point at one of the many bookstores in town. It's the only journal that I consider "filled" (I always leave a few pages empty at the end of journals... a symbolic gesture for myself that my story is still incomplete). The first entry is dated October 5, 1995, during my junior year and the trials and tribulations that ensued with my roommate at the time, Janice. Janice was a test of faith for me, in every regard. LGM, despite our current distance, would undoubtedly agree. I got a dorm room with her because she was a fellow self-proclaimed Pagan. Soon after we moved in together, I realized that regardless of her personal religious beliefs, she was a sick girl-- suffering from some sort of an inability to divide fantasy from reality. And I truly mean sick in the sense that she suffered from some sort of mental disorder. Janice was ill. So I sat and read through my journal, from that first entry that was filled with confusion about Janice to the last one on the 17th of June, 1997, only a few short weeks after my graduation from BU. That entry was filled with confusion about LGM. In between was a lot of other confusion-- fright over a (fortunately) botched one-night stand, and a lot of talking about a friend, who I casually joked with LGM over several years of feeling a weird crush over-- reading my entries tonight, I'm pretty damned sure I was trying to figure out why I had fuzzily beyond-friendship interest feelings toward her, when I knew then (and definitely know now) that I'm 100% heterosexual. Things I've never talked to her about, and unless she reads this at some point, she'll never know. I realized how much of my life in the past few years have been thrown away to worry and confusion over things that I allowed myself to get dragged into. They were things I could have walked away from, but I didn't. I just sat there on my ass and did nothing. I lamented, I complained, but nothing was accomplished. Was it laziness or fear that kept me stagnant? I'm so glad that I've left those days behind. For the most part, anyway. Or at least for the time being... I'm not sure which. 10:43 p.m. - 18 April 2002 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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