measi's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- *sweep* *sweep* I've been trying to get rid of some brain clutter the past couple days. Rather than make resolutions for the New Year, which is an automatic way of setting myself up to fail, I try to get rid of crap that's been stirring around for no reason, and also physically try to get rid of stuff that's cluttering my life so that I can have a sense of a fresh start for the new year. On the way back from New Hampshire yesterday evening, my social anxiety finally kinda washed over the edge. I've had it bottled up since the beginning of all of the holiday parties, and it just finally washed over since the holidays are finally over. One of those "I'll deal with my own emotions once I get through this" sorta things. Granted, it didn't help that I was PMS'ing, either. What a great way to intensify a situation beyond control. *sigh* As a result of all of that and allowing my mind to start spinning and not paying attention to what I was physically doing, I took a header outside [erich]'s apartment complex and twisted my GOOD ankle. *grrrr* I'm okay, though. It's sore, but not swollen, and I can walk on it with barely a limp. But still, And to start off the New Year in good style, the joys of being female caught up with me late yesterday evening, resulting in a trip to CVS this morning on the way to work. *grumble* Why do I always get the GUY at the register when I have to make a supply run?!? Ugh... I've digressed again. What else is new. Anyway... so I've been putting some stuff in the filing drawers of history, so to speak. Getting rid of clutter. 2001 was filled with clutter. Almost all of the clutter to sift, toss, and file comes from LGM and Grace, of course. Issues with Grace are well-filed away and tossed into the trash. She's gone. I don't have to worry about her anymore, nor deal with her. My only feelings toward her are that the Law of Three come back at her and clue her in. I don't count on it happening, however. I have come to the conclusion that she is not capable of it. I don't concern myself with her anymore. The Gods will decide what lessons she'll be repeating next time around. She's going to be busy. Issues with LGM are not as complete, but I'm definitely getting there. I'm not feeling the guilt for replying to his email a while back stating that the space was what I needed and wanted right now. I felt a few pangs of it initially for refusing to give him that control in our friendship again, but I'm glad I did. Without doing so, I wouldn't be at the point I am now. I feel so much better about life these days. I feel in control of myself. I feel loved and appreciated, and at this time last year, I know damned well that I felt the complete opposite. If he comes up in conversation, I do ask if people know how LGM is doing, but don't press issues. I do wish him well and hope he gets his act together and that the good guy that I used to see underneath all of the built-up tarnish can shine through again. It's odd, because a lot of the clutter-toss relating to LGM started more last weekend after the game at JT and Tan's. When we got there, the kids were watching Shrek, celebrating the new DVD player in the house. At the end of the movie, there's a scene where Shrek and Donkey are arguing about who owns the swamp. Shrek heads up to the outhouse for a bit of "leave me alone, goodbye" privacy, and asks (forgive me for not having the line quite accurate) "So if I treat you so badly, why do you keep coming back?" and Donkey replies, "Because that's what friends DO. They FORGIVE each other." Although it always upset me, I forgave LGM for the things he did to me. A few of the more painful ones were sores, but I've discovered that as soon as I got rid of his control over me, the sores were actually scars that just hadn't healed up. They've gone away. The forgiveness was not given to me by Jason, which is why they hadn't healed. The lack of reciprocation was the sore. That's why I had to go away and end our friendship. I can't be tied to every mistake I made when I was 22 or 23 when I'm less than a tenday from 27. There is only ONE that I can be, and refused to be released from, that I did. It doesn't rule my life, but it's a huge private mess, and a turning point. Other than that, there's absolutely nothing I should be tied to and dragged back to in order to "fix." In order to close the book on those ties and the control put over me by them, I had to break the friendship with LGM. I care about him, but I'm so glad that I got out of that situation entirely. It was killing me from the inside out. Be well, LGM. I hope you find happiness in your life. I hope that some day, I can give you a hug again. But I know it's going to be a long, long time, and I'm okay with that. --Mel. 11:39 a.m. - 2 January 2002 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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