measi's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Emotional drainage... Yesterday I had a huge Scully moment. And no, I'm not referring to the Dana Scully denying aliens in the skies moment. I'm referring to a wavering "I'm fine" moment before cracking. I took the commuter rail home from work yesterday as I often do, and brought along the budget forecasts to work on for my hour on the train, as I often do. But I couldn't get through them. My mind refused to pay attention to them. Fine. O-kay... how about doing some journal scribbling then... can't do that either. Well, that's just great. *throws hands up in the air* What the hell does that leave me with? A whole half hour with nothing but brooding is what. And by the time I stepped off the train at Back Bay, my mind had thrown me into a tizzy fit. And unfortunately, Erich and JT got a bit of it via AIM last night before I collapsed into bed around nine p.m. and didn't get up until quarter past seven. *sigh* The severing of friendship with LGM has hurt like hell. I'm not going to deny it. Probably what angers me more is that I *know* it doesn't hurt him at all. Granted, my mind's probably taking it way too far with the occasional visions of LGM skipping through the fields of the Alps doing a Julie Andrews because he's free of me... but you get the idea. I realize that anger is a necessary part of grief and healing. And I'm trying to ride through it as best as I can. But I hate the feeling of vulnerability that I've been getting the last 72 hours. Absolutely despise it. Because it makes me feel weak and helpless. And those feelings of being weak and helpless made me start crawling to people for aid last time I was at this point, and destroyed my self esteem. Erich has been understanding as all hell, and so has JT. But I've got to get myself into understanding mode soon before it starts shutting me down to everyone.... ... or I can actually use the link Erich just sent me to the Programmable Angst Modulator. Yeesh. 9:48 a.m. - 30 October 2001 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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