measi's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Worry and selfishness So Jason's finally decided to make some changes. Why, then, am I scared to death for him? He called my voice mail at work around 11:15 this morning, left a message, but I didn't get it until after 3:30 when I finally had a few minutes to sit back and rest. Here are the current standings as I see them:
2. He's stopping in Staten Island briefly to clean up, get some clean clothes, maybe a nap, and then heading down to Washington, D.C. to deal with Katy. 3. He plans to give an ultimatum to Katy and be driving back to NYC overnight. 4. Next time he's up here in Boston, he wants to have a chat with me. Now, #4 aside (wondering about the momentum swing on that one....) I'm worried. I'm thrilled that he's doing something, but also hoping he's thought things through. Breaking up with Claire was the right thing to do, regardless of the reasons they finally decided upon for the basis of it. Jason shouldn't be dating anyone rght now, and frankly, nor should Claire. Both have major issues to work through. In any case, while I'm sorry Jason has to go through a breakup, I'm thrilled that he's finally done this. Of course, at the same time, I have to wonder how long this will last, or how done is "done" in reality. Jason keeps in contact with old girlfriends, myself included, and doesn't let go easily. This leads into my concerns about issue #4. What will be happening to me? If he's going on a quick streak of changes, I'm sure to be one of them. Is our friendship, however shaky it may presently be/be not, going to be another victim of Jason sorting things out? He says I try to find the bad in the scenario far too often. Call it experience training. I'm padding the soul for protection as we speak. Perhaps, ultimately, that is why I'm scared. It's selfish fear, directed toward a "what's going to happen to me?!?" rather than a concern for his well-being. No, this fear is not purely one way or the other. It's a thoroughly shaken, not stirred, mix. More of the fear comes from what's going to happen with Katy tonight. He says he's going to say what he needs to say and then leave. But my fear is that he won't be strong enough. She'l do her typical manipulation, find something to keep him hooked, and he again won't walk away. I want him to be strong, to say how he feels, and then turn his back on her as she has done so callously toward him. I want to see his inner strength begin to break through the rope she's kept around his heart for years, the love/obsession/lust that has destroyed his chances at relationships since knowing her. I want him to find inner peace and joy. So here, as I ride the rails from Needham to Boston, watching the early hints of autumn along the marshland, I have to wonder how much change is about to occur in Jason's life, have to pray that the choices will lead to better times, and that while difficult, the journey and challenges to seek himself underneath all of this piled baggage will be rewarding. And I have a little selfish glimmer in there for me, too. --Mel. 6:31 p.m. - 4 September 2001 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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