measi's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- all I need is silence I kept trying to get back over the weekend to write an entry. I even sat staring at my computer for the better part of an hour, attempting to figure out what to write. But my brain kept going into deadlock that wouldn't go away. I'd get irritated, then pissed off, and then try to run as far away from my computer as I possibly could. Writer's block bites. So, on this bright, sunny Tuesday-as-Monday post-Labor Day morning, I've given up trying to write anything witty, and just recap the confusion that has been my life for the last fortnight or so... Let's see... we'll start with the ever-present LGM/Grace saga. No, it hasn't gone away... quite frankly, I don't see it going away for a while. If anything, it's deepened because more people have been dragged into this little web of depravity. But as far as their direct relationship goes, and the nasty little triangle with Twillight that's going on... I just (pardon me) fucking give up. LGM said exactly what's wrong... he knows what's wrong. He knows what he has to do, but in traditional LGM fashion, he won't get off his ass and do anything, so the situation festers and continues to grow worse, which will make it even harder to clean up the mess later on. However, as his friend, my heart just aches about it. I *hate* to see a friend of mine in pain. Despise it to the bottom of my soul. My instinct is to go and try to comfort someone in pain. But I can't anymore. Because now it's getting personal again, and I'm stuck back in the "damned if I do, damned if I don't" corner with LGM. Segway into issue number two that has come up, which has been much more emotionally draining than I want to admit to myself, but have to. As The Finn and Hooligan know from their experiences in gaming groups... you don't have to like everyone you game with, but you have to give them the respect as another human being who's there to enjoy the game. Leave your worldly b.s. at the door (as much as possible) and come to play. As difficult as that has been for me, I have tried, and usually succeeded, in doing so with Grace. While I refuse to go over to her apartment to play, since I see that as walking knowingly into the lion's den, I see nothing wrong with going to a "neutral" apartment/house/residence/whatever to play, nor with her being there. I don't like her, I don't have to like her... but it's not my place to say that she can't be there. *shrug* So I've done the better thing and just tried keeping my distance within game from her as much as possible. This has been facilitated by the fact that we have a usual10-gamer party (yes, you heard that right, Finn... 10 players and the DM on an average night) with two clerics (myself and JT's daughter, who plays a Sunite cleric named Raisa). So with the two of us, I can focus on other players. Works perfectly. No problems, right? Well, unfortunately, not so. Grace decided about a fortnight ago that she was being down-trodden by me because my character (and yeah, me) don't consider her to be a very v valuable member of the party. While she's more concerned about draping herself over particular male characters and being jealous of other party member's attention to said male members of the party, she also will chastise other characters for their behavior because it's not what she thinks is right. In my case? Basic sum up is this: my cleric (Tanya) worships the God of the Righteous Dead, meaning that Tanya sees all undead, such as vampires, ghouls, liches, etc. as abominations that must be destroyed. We're about to go after a nasty lich who has made our life hellish. Her God, Kelemvor, has placed the mantle of a quest to destroy this particular lich, on her shoulders. Tanya, now that she's gained in power and is more confident about herself, informed the party during the battle plan discussions that she would be on the front line due to this quest, and so we should make clerical plans accordingly since she would be on the front line. This set off a firestorm... the usual "a cleric can't be in the front line" crap. Needless to say, one thing leads to another (I'll probably detail it more thoroughly later in my gaming journal), and my feelings start getting hurt and I'm quickly getting annoyed and insulted. Grace starts doing the "well, no one cares about Janan and will leave her to die" crap that quite frankly everyone's sick of hearing. She didn't get the response she wanted. She tried to get pity from the DM, and failed. She then decided that she can't come to games anymore because she and I have "unreconcilable differences" and that she just can't be in the room with me. Whatever. *shrug* Now... it's not the fact that she's pulling this crap that annoys the piss out of me. This is typical Grace. Been there, heard that, sick of it. It's the fact that LGM as always sides with anyone who is against me. And I keep questioning WHY I am friends with him when he seems to be making me out to be this horrible ogre all the time. Never mind the fact that I've dealt with her nasty side comments at games since last autumn. Never mind the fact that I've never once told either of them that I'm never going to come to games if she's there. (Saying I'm not playing at her apartment is a much different thing than saying I won't be there if she's there). I could give a shit about Grace's opinions and her behavior. It's LGM's treatment of me as a result that hurts. And since Grace is his girlfriend, there's not a damn thing I can do except distance myself from him as well. I'm just so sick of the whole melodrama... I just want the episode to end. That blackness at the end of an X-Files episode for a few moments for reflection... blissful silence to shelve it as an experience, put it away for good, and let the dust cover it into oblivion. *sigh* more later... actually better stuff... but I needed to vent the more frustrating stuff first. --Mel. 10:12 a.m. - 4 September 2001 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||