measi's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Taking a look at situations First off... before I get into my entry, did anyone else know that there were a set of Diary-X awards going on? And yes... I threw a couple noms in there. Just thought I'd mention... Anyway... I'd wanted to drop an entry in here yesterday, but between work and then going out with Erich afterwards, I just wasn't in the mood to get on my computer. It's relatively quiet here at work, so I'll ramble a bit. I apologize in advance if I don't make much sense. I may eventually lock this entry away... I don't know. Erich and I have continued dating, and for the most part, I'm extremely happy. I love his company, I love his sense of caring, and I love spending time with him. We have a lot in common, especially a love of gaming, which is important because it is a HUGE time commitment on the weekends for me (at least every other Saturday for eight hours a stretch), and to find someone who not only respects my love of gaming, but also wants to get involved in my gaming group is an amazing stress reliever. My one problem has been the undercurrent tension of sex. He says he doesn't want to push, and he wants me to feel comfortable and not rush into anything before I'm ready, but at the same time, I feel this undercurrent of pressure. Not necessarily from him intentionally, but from my own fears about getting involved sexually with someone I don't know as well, and about opening myself up to get hurt emotionally again. The topic seems to come up frequently between emails and talking, and I have asked him to just be respectful that I need to take things slow right now. He says okay, but I still have this feeling that he's not quite as laid back about taking it slow as I want to be. In my mind, having sex early in the relationship is just rushing it. The two of us haven't even been dating for two months yet. And quite honestly, since the first couple dates were almost "blind" dates since we didn't know each other and hadn't met each other before first introducing ourselves on the internet, I really don't count us as a couple before mid-June at the earliest. I would consider us a committed couple now... and it's definitely a relationship I want to pursue long term. Perhaps part of it is just because my feelings about sex have dramatically changed in the past year, switching back to a more "I need love behind this" sense, rather than the "it's a natural act... just be safe about it" attitude. I have never slept around. In fact, the total number of guys I've ever kissed can be put on one hand, and there are leftover fingers once you consider sexual play. The fear of being "easy" keeps running through my mind, even though I know I'm not. I think a large part of it is from my good Mid-Western upbringing, where women who have sex before married are sluts. *shrug* I've hinted to him that a past relationship is also part of the problem (and it is), but I don't want to go into details, because I've already discovered that Erich does tend to get a bit too worried about things that cannot be changed. I want to put my past in the past and move forward. I don't want it to keep dragging with me. I've done that for years, and it's only worn me down. But this keeps nagging me, and I'm not sure how to approach it. I was getting worried before meeting him for dinner yesterday about it coming up at a topic, and I think it made me be unusually distant to him. Part of it, though, is also that I despise overt Public Displays of Affection (PDA), and am extremely conscious of it because I don't want anyone to be screaming "Get a room!" at me. I realize that in the PDA sense, at least, my social anxiety is coming to the fore. But in a way, I was not looking forward to going out last night because I don't want to discuss sex at all right now. I want to get to know Erich. I was feeling comfortable with him until this weekend, where it seemed that I was going to his house only to make out, and I tried everything to stop that. I enjoyed it for the most part, but it's just TOO SOON for me. And so I managed to get him to back off, and we grabbed lunch and watched a movie. But I know he was disappointed, and I know that while he does respect me, he wants a lot more. He asked me on the phone earlier this week if I'd be interested in spending Saturday night at his house "if he promised nothing would happen" since I'd just be coming back Sunday. I told him I'd think about it, but I wasn't sure. I honestly am not ready, and so I'll be explaining that to him probably either tonight or Saturday when we meet up for gaming. I just need that comfort zone right now. The relationship's new, and some of the feelings that I thought I'd resolved about being involved with anyone are coming back up again... my feelings about losing my independence, losing my identity, and having to commit to things when I really don't want to are coming back. And I hate it. *sigh* I just hope that we can clear this little hurdle. I hope that I can find a way to talk to him about it. --Mel. 12:53 p.m. - 19 July 2001 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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