measi's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Family Updates Apparently my trip to California by way of Phoenix in November may be postponed due to Mom's schedule... until at least December. While I was looking forward to going, this honestly could work a heck of a lot better for me. As is the rule with Murphy's Law, as soon as I said "yes, this week looks clear" to Mom, EVERYTHING and anything was scheduled that week. So it's looking like I won't have to worry about absentee voting. I can start NaNoWriMo on time this year and not lose an entire week. And I can go to the Eta Gamma Tea and freak at the concept of friggin Alpha Beta class. (insert Mel whines about being old complaint here) Mom and I had a long chat last night, joking about me being just shy of thirty now (dear Goddess... three months!!), caught up on daily life stuff, but we talked mostly about the continuing non-relationship I have with my dad. Not that it's any surprise, of course. My dad has decided to simply pretend there is nothing wrong. People apparently ask him how I'm doing, he says fine... and if they know my mom they ask the same thing when they talk to her... and are shocked to discover that he's bothered to talk to me once in what's now nearly two years. At this point, I'm just at the "there's nothing more I can do-- I've done all I can without him making an effort of his own" stage. I miss my dad, but I won't fall back into the trap of trying to live my life for him again. Not only is it not worth it, it won't work. It took me twenty seven years to finally get that. I'm not getting back to that state ever again. So of course all morning, I've been having swirls of emotion after talking to her, realizing that the wounds are still raw underneath the bandage of passing time. Sad that he can't be bothered to even give me a moment of time to discuss what finally broke the bottle at Christmas '02. Pissed off that I was right that I mean so little to him as his child. Confused as to how much of this is specifically related to my relationship with my dad, and how much of it actually is that whole fear of abandonment issue that comes with being an adopted child. Interestingly enough, my brother's going through the same damn thing-- including the fear of abandonment stuff. My mom thought that was odd. But unlike both of us, she wasn't adopted. It's kinda hard to explain. ;) Scott apparently is also finally coming into his own. He was in a live-in relationship that gave him perspective on being a pain in the ass. Mom said last night that he plans on "giving me a big hug and apologizing for all of the hell he put me through because he finally knows what it means to have someone in your face all the time." The apologies are appreciated, of course-- but water long under the bridge (as in thirteen years plus at this point). I just want him to get his life in order and do okay. Apparently things are looking up for him finally-- he's got a full time job. He's thinking of possibily buying a condo somewhere around Phoenix. He's doing okay. Finally. And Mom's doing well, too. Work's calming down. She's come to terms with the on-again, off-again relationship she has with Jim. She's living her life. And I realized as I got ready for bed last night, finally-- so am I. And aside from some normal financial/stress-related frustrations, I'm finally doing okay. I'm really in the best situation of my life-- with a man that I adore and who both completes and compliments me. I have a job that, while driving me crazy at times, is stable and managed to get me through the recent bad economy unscathed. I have a strong circle of friends and am developing more as I reconnect with my sorority chapter. I have an active social life... ME. The one who used to sit in her dorm room on Friday and Saturday nights and play Sim City because she didn't have friends to hang out with. Now I'm at the point where I'm literally trying to figure out ways to fit things in. It's more a matter of affording everything than finding things to do. I'd heard that you started hitting a stride around age thirty. I guess they're right. Still took too fucking long, though, if you ask me. :) 1:59 p.m. - 29 September 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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