measi's Diaryland Diary

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10 year thoughts

Yesterday was the 10th anniversary of my self-dedication. I'd planned on doing ritual last night, but was so exhausted that I decided I'd wait until Friday afternoon. Then I found out the guys will both be out on Wednesday evening-- even better. That gives me a bit of time to review my original ritual, re-write it as appropriate for the ten year mark, and have a nice, quiet evening in which to work. Relaxed and meaningful-- which I was NOT going to get last night in my state of mind.

I'm looking forward to it, and I'm hoping that I'll recommit myself somewhat to at least sitting in ritual once a month to reflect and connect.

One thing that I have realized is that I do have a desire to be part of some sort of a group, whether for ritual or just talking about spirituality. I talked about this somewhat on the phone with Minarae a couple weeks back. At this point, doing the "Oh, I want to be in a coven!!!" isn't really where I'm at. But some in-person chats with others would be a good thing. External stimulus might be the way to start. I love to learn other points of view and experiences. I'm intimidated as hell, but I'm realizing this is one of those things that requires the "if I want, I need to just jump in" approach.

So I've emailed the ol' T-Bounders group to see if there were people interested. So far three have expressed interest, and all have described having a similar "not sure really what I want, but I'd at least like to meet others" attitude in their emails. I can handle that.

We'll see where it goes...

But still... ten years. It doesn't seem like that long, yet at the same time it seems like it was even longer ago than that. Lughnasadh actually was the date only by chance. If I recall, the reason I chose that night was because my father was on-call, and happened to be doing an emergency overnight surgery at the hospital. I had the house to myself and didn't feel worried about burning incense if no one else were around. (at the time, my brother was having some serious pot issues, so Dad was overly concerned about any incense to "hide the smell." )

I spent a very quiet late night session in front of the candles and incense with a simple ritual that I'd written (based off of something I'd read, of course). A lot of the evening was spent in medidation. I wasn't well-versed in meditation at that point. I'd tried it a few times, but never could still my mind at all. That night, I somehow did. And at some point, I felt the light touch of a hand in mine.

I just knew. I'd imagine that almost everyone has at least one moment like this in their lives... that instant realization of what's happening. I hope they do, at least. And that it's for a good reason.

Anyway... I'm looking forward to tomorrow evening. It's been a while, but I do feel like it will be a good thing.

11:22 a.m. - 03 August 2004

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