measi's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The new exercise plan Before I being this entry... Yes, I forgot to check a box on my nevers. Much to my chagrin, it happened to be one that had my dear Erich all excited that he had a chance of a threesome with two women someday. I have NOT had sex with someone of the same sex, contrary to my faux pas on the last entry.... Middle fingers up to both men who live in my apartment. Thank yous to everyone else who didn't say a word. :) Kiss, yes. Sex, no. Yours truly is heterosexual, thanks. And Erich, dear-- if you want a threesome with two women, then you'd better be willing to reciprocate the same for me by including another guy some time. *smiles sweetly* Needless to say, I'll be changing a particular entry in just a bit... *sigh* It was a busy weekend. After games and illness and people being in the apartment over the last few weeks, I finally put a "enough-- I need a weekend away from the social department" foot down so I could get my penpalling in order and relax on my time. I've increasingly felt like the invisible roommate whose opinion doesn't mean too much over the past few months, and it is driving me crazy to have our apartment be the current social hangout. Particularly when I don't have a space that is mine to retreat to. I'd be lying if I said I never felt like I wished I still had my own apartment some days-- where I could shut off the phone, shut the door, and just be happy in my own little world for a while. I do miss that sometimes. The Beast was cozy for that. Anyway... I got a lot done this weekend. I'm pretty happy about the results of my work-- with a couple hours work, I should be completely caught up on my organized swaps for yahoogroups. Letters are another story, but I accepted many, many moons ago that I will never be caught up on my letters. Ever. On Saturday, the three of us went around the corner to the local gym and signed up for memberships at Workout World (aka WOW). Since we all came in together and live at the same address, they gave us a family membership-- which considerably decreased the stupid signup fee. Their monthly rate is reasonable, and the machines are in great shape... so hopefully it will be good. The guys thought I was nuts about being apprehensive about joining the gym-- but I don't think men understand the fear overweight women have going to the gym. It seems to be somewhat accepted that a man can have a pot belly and still be attractive and acceptable. Overweight men have just as many nice clothing styles as skinny guys do. Overweight women? Not a chance in hell. Going to a gym is like walking naked into a public place-- it's complete vulnerability. And for someone like me who is both ashamed of being overweight and completely terrified of being laughed at-- the idea of a gym is daunting, to say the least. I go for my machine orientation tonight for the circuit trainers. It's probably about all I'll do for this evening, but I'll start up tomorrow with a plan, since the trainers will give me the number of reps I should do on each machine (and weight). I'll get to see that dreaded 270 come up on the scale as they weigh me. *sigh* The diet, on the other hand, has me viciously depressed because I'm already feeling completely overwhelmed by it-- and it's all a matter of how I've been approached about things by both Erich and Jason in the past few days. Erich and I decided to go on South Beach-- it was a diet we could do because we liked the foods on it for the most part. But there are a couple kickers-- 1) Eating breakfast makes me physically nauseous. So much so that I learned NOT to eat breakfast by age 12. I have to force myself to eat anything before 11 a.m. I'm simply NOT hungry. So trying to force myself to eat when I'm not hungry is pure hell. And then afterwards, I have post eating slumps that make me virtually ineffective to do anything, since my energy is going to digestion, not my brain. Not good for work. 2) And South Beach's breakfasts are heavy on the omelettes... which, when I have managed to stomach the idea of eating in the morning, are perhaps my least favorite thing. Eggs, in my opinion, should never EVER have anything blended in them. It's a corollary to the casserole rule-- I don't like casseroles. I don't like omelettes. They're vile, vile things. *shrug* Of course, the guys think I'm psycho about this and don't think I'm making any sense-- but if they'd felt physically ill after eating breakfast for years as a child, they'd celebrate the day when the parents finally gave permission to end the experience in junior high. I doubt they'd want to look back either. And for what it's worth-- I maintained a healthy weight until college, even without eating breakfast. Erich thinks I'm being self-defeatist about the diet... and perhaps I am. I got very jaded last year after losing about 20 pounds through eDiets, and then gaining it all back and then some. I've become even more depressed as Jason's bragged about losing weight on Weight Watchers-- another diet I've tried and didn't lose any weight on, despite sticking to it for months (whereas he's lost 20 pounds in half the time I tried the program). It all makes me feel like there's something wrong with me that I can't lose weight. I know I need support, but the bossing me around that I was receiving this weekend has literally put me in a "this is going to suck ass" mood about the exercise and diet. I need support and encouragement, not orders and condescending comments. *sigh* I know I shouldn't, but I just feel so unconfident about this.
3:39 p.m. - 15 March 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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