measi's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Surreal... My brain keeps telling me what happened yesterday. But other than when I try to talk to someone about it, I feel normal. Disturbingly normal. Should I feel this way? Or am I just still too far removed since I'm not around my relatives? What's wrong with me? My grandma is dead. But it seems like nothing's changed with the world, outside of the thoughts spinning in my head. I don't know how to feel, how to act, what to say. I haven't cried that much. I get choked up a bit when I talk about her death, but other than that, I'm just... normal. My lack of grief is really bothering me. Minarae suggested last night that it's just because I've gone emotionally numb after dealing with the situation with my father all year. Perhaps. But then that concerns me, too. I shouldn't be numb to grief. I feel like it's disrespectful to my grandmother. A part of me is thinking that I was dreaming that my mom called me to tell me grandma died... that I'll drive down there to find that it was all a dream. That Grandma is fine, and will laugh quietly and give me a hug. I know I was preparing for this for a while. She was ill for so long, and in so much pain. I know that she's out of pain, and that's the most humane thing. I'm going to miss her so much, though. And it saddens me that none of my cousins be as lucky as I was to have Grandma there at high school graduation and college graduation. She didn't get to see any of us get married. Her youngest grandchild won't be born until January. (S)he will have the situation I had as a child-- hearing about the beloved grandparent who died five months before (s)he was born. My grandpa Raymer died in August of '74. What worries me most, though, is how my grandpa is going to cope. He and my grandmother were married for 57 years. They married in their early 20's, and had a very traditional family. Grandma stayed home and was the keeper of the house. Grandpa went to work everyday. I honestly don't know if my grandpa knows how to cook anything. She had a long, full, and vibrant life. She saw incredible joy and incredible sorrow throughout her life, yet through it all kept a strong faith in God. She was orphaned by age 16, survived WWII in work camps in Poland and Germany, and having two children in relocation camps after the war. She and my grandpa came to the US in 1950 with two kids age 5 or less, with only a small suitcase for the four of them and a small stipend from the church who sponsored them. They worked hard, and became the epitome of the American Dream. They were "old school" immigrants-- ones who embraced the traditions of the Old Country, but adapted to the American way of life. They learned to speak English (my grandfather's fluency is fantastic-- he has a thick Polish accent, but his grammar is quite good). They became citizens. But they never forgot their roots. Every year after the holidays, my grandmother celebrated her own version of Boxing Day-- packing up large shipping boxes of clothes (both new and used), shoes, and money, and shipping them back to Poland and the Ukraine to relatives who were poor and needed the assistance. During the past three years, I'm quite certain that two things in particular were keeping her going-- her Catholic faith, and the younger grandkids, whose energy is pretty infectious. My grandmother was a Christian in the way that Christians (in my opinion) SHOULD be... pious, gracious, loving... trying to live in the most Christ-like way possible by helping those less fortunate than her. She avoided any sort of conversation that would be judgemental of other people in a negative way. She felt good when she made others feel good. She laughed, she loved. And she was loved. Thankfully, my mom, my aunt Vicky, and my uncle John (all three of my grandparents' children) live within a 15 minute drive of his house, so people are there to keep him company and take care of him when he needs it. I just worry that he won't want to go on, and I'll lose him, too, within a year. I've heard so many stories of spouses who pass quickly after their significant other. .... This whole day has just been surreal. Since I'm not leaving until tomorrow, I went into work for an hour to get rid of two pieces of personnel paperwork that could not wait until my return, and put together anything that could be sent to accounts payable so it doesn't get delayed. I talked to Linda and Kathy (one of the other design managers who will be in charge for the next two weeks while Linda's on vacation). I went to HR to check on berevement time, and got that squared away. And then one of my co-workers went with me to get a suit, helping me pay for it since I don't have a dark-colored one for a funeral and am flat broke until tomorrow. Tomorrow's drive is going to be a tricky one. I'm just hoping I don't have to stop too many times along the Thruway. *sigh* Thanks to everyone who have emailed me or left messages-- I'll thank you each personally later... but I do appreciate it. It's nice to have some support behind me-- your strength does help, even if I'm still in a state where I partially feel like I don't need it. 10:22 p.m. - 14 August 2003 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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