measi's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ISO personal strength and conviction I haven't written all week, mostly because I've been going absolutely insane at work and then coming home mind-numb. But I've also been doing a lot of thinking this week, and had to make decisions that were extremely heartwrenching and important. Yesterday I finally told LGM goodbye. Unfortunately, I had to resort to email. But with how things were going, I didn't see an upcoming appropriate opportunity in person (which I wanted to do), and was not going to do so over the phone. Bottom line on it is that he came over in early October to talk to me (see entry around October 3rd or so) and give me his opinions. I wanted an equal opportunity, and stated so the next weekend as he came up, emphasizing that his actions determined a lot of the decisions I had to make for the future of our friendship. He blanked out calling me (or so he says... I didn't believe him then, and most definitely don't with the track record since then), but then promised me when he finally did call me the following Tuesday that he'd meet with me the next time he came up to Boston. Well, he came up the next two weekends without bothering to honor that promise. And then called me AGAIN on his way home Monday, in a very laizzez-faire attitude about the whole thing. His typical attitude about it. I told him that the discussion had to happen soon, and that I didn't think he felt it was important. He insisted it was, but again refused to set a time... saying he'd call me so that we could talk "maybe Thursday or Friday when I get up there." I told him I needed to know an exact time by Wednesday morning. Haven't heard from him since. He's been sending gaming recaps out, so I know he's alive. I know he's physically capable of getting in touch with me, but he chose not to. So yesterday, I finally said "fuck it, I can't take another day of his shit" and sent that goodbye email. And yeah, I'm feeling angry about it, and frustrated, and a sense of loss. But most of it's coming more from the feelings of what could have been and my hatred of failure to make things work. Those feelings will subside in time. At the same time, I feel liberated. He has no ability to control me anymore. By saying goodbye, I've shelved a lot of the problems I've dealt with over the last 12 months. And while it doesn't solve the problems, it's a huge step in the right direction. It's a step I've wanted to take, quite frankly, since February when the last big round of this crap happpened. But at that point in my life, I really didn't have the structure of friends and loved ones to support me as I needed. Now I have Erich, most importantly, who fortuneately was spared most of the crap that has gone on between LGM and I, so while yes, he does have a bias toward me, he's also been fair in commenting where there were things I could have done to help the situation (for example, with Grace). I also have JT and Tan, who I've become extremely close with these past few months. And despite the feelings of Grace and LGM on their position, they have been completely neutral on things. Both have commented on my part in the saga with our gaming group, and I've willingly admitted that I have resisted just playing nice for the sake of being nice. They just want to be able to have a good time playing D&D with all, and want all to be happy and enjoy themselves. Grace and LGM have chosen not to believe them, and that's their choice. *shrug* I do wish that eventually LGM and I can become friends again. But I can't see that happening as long as he treats me as the worthless being which apparently I am to him. Do I care about LGM? Yes, I do. Would I love his friendship in my life? Most definitely I would. But I can't deal with the cruelty he's shown me anymore. The emotional toll drains me to the point that I have to recover so much for myself that I don't have the opportunity to reach out as I'd like to Erich, let alone other friends. And the good of the many outweighs the pandering to the one. --Mel. 12:31 p.m. - 26 October 2001 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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