measi's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- trapped behind a phobia I had a long discussion with it yesterday with LGM on the phone as he drove back to NYC. But I've never talked about it to myself... so here goes. Social phobia. Yes, I'm terrified of social situations. I'm afraid of being laughed at and of being teased for the sole purpose that I'm scared being around people. I'm embarrassed to hell because I know that I shouldn't be. But I can't help it. It goes beyond butterflies in the stomach. Depending on the day, I start shaking, or as what happened after 12 hours of roleplaying on Saturday night, I came home and threw up because of my nerves being so rattled. The largest problem I have specifically is when I'm physically in a room with a large group of people. Just being there makes me scared. I don't know why. I have to spend so much effort just to get out of the house to be there that I'm often exhausted before said event (going to a movie, going out for dinner, etc) even really is underway. I generally stay back in the corner and listen to conversation, but if I actually do, the nerves turn into me talking too much and I go the other way. I'm always terrified of getting laughed at, and unfortunately in my group of friends, there's a lot of joking going on, and I never can tell when it is and isn't teasing. As soon as the nervousness kicks in, I put up my defensive walls, and well... it just goes downhill from there. My other problem is the phone... I avoid talking on the phone as much as I can because it makes me sick to my stomach to talk on it. No matter who I'm on the phone with, it makes me sweat, and the effort drains me because it makes me anxious. I just hate the thing. I can't explain why. To try to combat this, since I know it's an illogical fear, I try to force myself into social situations, including inviting people to things to get me out of the house. I figure that if I force myself out, manage to have a good time, it's a reassuring step-- I can do this, it's okay. But it seems to backfire. And I've explained to people that I can trust what's going on, and how it makes me feel. But I think since it seems so weird, and the fact that it's only in certain types of situations, that no one believes me. LGM always starts focusing on my envy and jealousy of other people's abilities to get along right away in a group of people (which stems from the fact that no one else has this problem getting into social situations like I seem to... even though I try not to). I kick myself all the time because the fear and the anxiety seems to get worse and worse the longer I go. But the alternative would be to stay inside the house, and I know that it would be even worse to do that. It's a silent paralyzer... a smart, generally good person who just can't do one stupid thing for some unknown reason. And I hate it... it makes me feel inferior to everyone else because for some reason, I just can't cope normally. I wish people would realize the effort that I have to make to get out of the house sometimes, and understand that a little reassurance once in a while would be a good thing, because I do want to find a way to beat this. I've talked to a doctor about it... I go to a therapist. But it's embarrassing to admit the problem. Again, it makes me feel dumb and inferior. I mean--why should I be scared being around a group of friends? How stupid is that? I'm just afraid of the day that I'm going to be put on medication for it. Then it's not just a phobia, it's a mental illness. And perhaps that kills me worst of all. My parents already have enough dealing with one child that has a mental illness--my brother is bipolar (and has run into problems with the law because he wouldn't take his medication to help it). The last thing they need is the other one, the "smart one" who was always a loner, to have one, too. I don't want to have to tell them that. Okay. getting worked up. Need to stop. 10:02 a.m. - 4 June 2001 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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