measi's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Ending the walkabout Hold on for dear life, folks... Mel actually has a topic to discuss that isn't her boring, daily life. Perhaps it's because I'm seeing Lughnasadh right around the corner. Perhaps it's because I'm thinking back to a warm summer Lughnasadh night ten years ago, feeling both terrified and exhillirated that I was going to be taking a step toward a new future-- one that I had chosen, not my parents. Perhaps it's because I came across the original scribbles of my dedication ritual from ten years ago, complete with about three different attempts to spell Lughnasadh before I took the easy route out and wrote "Lammas" at the top. Heh. I confess-- I've been a very lazy Pagan for about two years. I consider myself on a bit of a spiritual walkabout these days. I believe. I know that the Goddess is there-- I've talked with her a couple of occasions. And in times of need, such as the Colley incident from a couple weeks ago, I've prayed to one of her many forms for guidance and assistance. However, I haven't exactly been good about Sabbat rituals. Or even noting them. I've gone as far as writing them in my daily planner, complete with a little pentagram under each one (as if I wouldn't know what the day signified). The only real energy work I've done in two years are Reiki healings and attunements. And I have noticed a growing strength in the energy that I can siphon during attunements over the months. I consider this a good thing-- particularly now that I've learned not to use my own energy in the work as I used to. But I feel like I shouldn't use it to cast a circle. I feel like I shouldn't go INTO a circle. As if I'm not supposed to be there. That disturbs me. I seem to constantly be in a questioning mode with faith. I look through my journal on Diary-X, and see loads of comments that I've made-- either outright frustration or subtle hints for myself to pick up, where I'm questioning. It's not a new thing... Last night's X-Files episode really has me thinking. I can't get it out of my head. Especially Scully's last line- "It mostly makes me afraid... afraid that God is speaking, and no one's listening." For some reason, that really hit me-- am I listening? I thought that I was, but maybe not. I've felt so guilty since last night... like there's something wrong with me spiritually. Am I making the right choices? I don't know. Hell, I don't know if I'm supposed to know... I guess it's a crisis of faith. And I need to figure this one out. - December 16, 1995 Yeah, that dates things, no? I was a very fucked up, out of reality junior in college when I wrote that. And that was just the middle of that year. It got a lot more juicy as the rest of the year progressed and I started questioning everything about myself. I think that's one of my crutches in life- I question so much that I lose track of anything that I should possibly just accept. Am I right to be following a Pagan path? Yes. I know that for a fact. (at least I know that). But am I committed to that Path? Well, no. Or at least, I haven't been. But I want to be. I find myself giving myself mental kicks for being so lethargic about faith. And then I wonder if I'm too hard on myself. I'm making no sense, I know. Bear with me-- this is one of those "I need to work this thing out mentally" entries. Honestly, I feel a lot of fear thinking about going back to Circle. I'm not sure if I could even CAST a circle anymore, it's been so long. And then part of me wonders if I really need to be worrying about that sort of a detail. It's the connection to the Goddess that should matter, right? I don't need a circle for that, right? Not always, but my heart is telling me it's time to return home and start focusing again. Enough with the walkabout. It's time to refocus and reconnect with what excited me years ago. Perhaps I need another group ritual to feel more connected. But with whom? "Happy Beltane! I finally did a formal ritual-- and in front of everyone else... (snip) Ivanna said I broke the flow of the ritual through explanations, but I needed to break my concentration from time to time because the energy focused upon me was so intense that it hurt..." - May 4, 1996 I remember that night in the Armory like it was yesterday. I don't doubt that Ivanna does, either. It was an experience like no other I've had. And just remembering makes the top of my head hurt, remembering how strong the energies were in that room. I saw them, and I rode upon them, and it made every ounce of my belief stronger, because it was that tangible sign of faith that every religious person wants to find. I literally felt Her hands on my shoulders as I did my invocation. I didn't draw Her down that night. I didn't need to. I think I really just need to shut myself up, plunk myself in front of the old Holy Rolling Altar (read=college footlocker with wheels) and stare at a flame for a while, just as I did in the beginning, to look inward to where a similar flame has been buring for ten years. And then I need to ignore this fear and pull up a circle, and just sit in it-- doing nothing but sit there, listening to what's within. It's time to start over. It's time to find renewal. And it's time to find that flame again. 11:30 p.m. - 08 July 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||